8 Questions You Shouldn't Ask A Gay Guy

by Discreet Serpent

I started this blog for a number of reasons, one of which was to educate my friends about homosexuality. A good number of them have limited knowledge about how gay people are, and most of their perceptions resulted from their limited exposure to our kind. "Gay," for them, refers to guys who act like girls, want to be girls, or dress like girls.

Most of them were shocked when a "straight looking guy" like myself turned out to be gay.

I have been asked a lot of questions by these friends of mine, mostly brought about by their curiosity about my lifestyle. Some of their inquiries were downright disturbing and wrong, and I had to call them out each time. Here are some of the "classic" ones:

image courtesy of trendandtonic.thefuturescompany.com

1. Are you the guy or the girl in your relationship?
I laugh like crazy every time I hear this one. If you are a straight guy/girl reading this post, please, please: never ask this question. It makes you look like an ignorant person. That's the thing about a gay relationship: the parties are both guys (or both girls). Sometimes, we take on the "top" or "bottom" roles, but this is not really a requirement. And being a bottom doesn't equate to being a girl.

2. Why did you choose to be gay?

It's really not a choice, my friend. These are the cards I was dealt with. Did you ever have to choose to be straight?

3. Have you ever tried dating a woman? If not, how sure are you that you are gay?
As a matter of fact, I have dated several women. So I know the distinction. Now assuming I have not dated women before, I'm pretty sure I would still know that men turn me on. Oh wait, let me ask you the same question: have you ever tried dating someone of the same sex? Maybe you should try it, just so you're sure about your sexuality.

4. Do you want to be a girl? 
I am happy to have a penis, thank you very much. And please, don't call me "girl" or invite me to a "girls' night out." I am very happy with how I look and with my physiological features. Read up on "LGBTQ" and try to understand the differences.

5. Is there a chance that this is just a phase?

Everything is possible in this world. Maybe you should try having sex with someone of the same sex, and see if your being straight is also a "just a phase."

image courtesy of cheezburger.com

6. You don't look gay. You look straight, actually. It's such a shame, don't you think?
Thanks for the "compliment," but if you think all gay guys look the same (or have the same "vibe") then you are sadly mistaken. Just because I like men doesn't mean that I need to act like a girl. My sexual orientation does not reflect how I want to present myself to others. I act the way that makes me the most comfortable.

7. Aren't you scared of getting HIV?
Last I heard, the HIV virus needs to be transmitted sexually (or via blood transfusion, if you want to be more inclusive). I won't get it for simply being gay. And guess what? We have about the same chances of getting the virus so maybe you should start worrying about who you're sleeping with.

8. So who else in our circle is gay?
I'm flattered that you think I have an excellent gaydar, dear. But let me set something straight. Just because I came out to you doesn't mean that I have the right to "out" everybody else. It's not my decision, and I refuse to be an asshole.

image courtesy of washington.edu

So there you have it, straight guys and girls. These are some of the questions that you probably shouldn't ask a gay guy. If you do, you might get similar responses as mine (if you ask a really nice gay guy). And if you happen to encounter a really bitchy gay guy, you will probably get more interesting responses. And possibly a bitch slap or two.


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Military Sexual Assault: From Fantasy To Bitter Reality

It's every gay guy's fantasy: to be stuck in a military camp surrounded by hot and horny straight men. This is the stuff of porn movies and erotic literature. These images have probably crossed the imaginations of young gay guys who want a memorable sexual adventure. I, for one, had (and still have) these fantasies of pure sexual bliss.

image courtesy of theblacksphere.net

That's why GQ's article on military sexual assault hit me really hard. It featured stories of guys who had traumatic experiences that they carried with them for years. It pointed out that male on male rape is not something that is usually reported. It shed light to the fact that perpetrators have gone unpunished for these crimes. I had no idea (or perhaps I was too blinded by my own fantasies?) that things were this bad.

Here's a story of a guy raped by the "Twin Towers." He was violated in an unspeakable manner, and even considered suicide afterwards. He was misdiagnosed and even got discharged. And it appears that he wasn't the only victim.

Another victim was singled out because he was a "Yankee." He was attacked, harassed, molested, and sodomized with a broomstick. He has so much hatred in his heart even after so many years. He even admitted to having homicidal thoughts against his attackers.

Another guy shared the story of how he was violated as a young sailor. He was so afraid of what his attackers would do to him that he kept silent. He couldn't even tell his own father who was with him at the time.

Here are some other excerpts from the article, all showing the struggles that these men faced during and after the attacks. It shows how they were forced into silence by threats and how they chose to continue their careers despite the "bad experience." One statement brought me to tears: "Son, men don't get raped."

Heavy stuff. Words that made me rethink about the fantasies I had about the military. These stories were mostly shared by men who are no longer in the service; men in active duty years ago. I wonder if things have changed for the newer generations. I shudder at the thought of having doe eyed youths lose their innocence in such a violent way. I want to cry out for help, but I have no idea where to turn to.

READ THE FULL GQ STORY HERE

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What's a Beard and Why Do Some Gay Guys Have Them?

by Discreet Serpent

You may have heard the term "beard" used in a gay context and wondered what the hell that meant. "Art and Therese went out on a date last night, but we all know she's just a beard." No, it doesn't pertain to facial hair this time, although the term can be interpreted as some sort of a disguise. Just like how beards are used as a way to change an actor's physical appearance in the movies.

image courtesy of ultimatehypnosisdownloads.com

The Urban Dictionary defines the word "beard" as follows"

- Any opposite sex escort taken to an event in an effort to give a homosexaul person the apperance of being out on a date with a person of the opposite sex.

- A man or woman used as a cover for a gay partner.

The negative connotation
Most of the time, the girl used as a beard does not know that she is a beard. As the term implies, the goal of using a beard is to deceive people; to make people think that you are not who you are. A gay guy usually wears a beard as an accessory when he needs to be seen in a public place. "Straight" guys, after all, need to be seen with a hot lady date when going out on dinner or going to the movies. It wouldn't be appropriate to be seen with another guy, right?

The accomplice beard
In some cases, the beard is a willing victim. She could be the girl best friend who wants to help out her desperate friend. She could be the desperate fag hag who would take every opportunity to "turn" her gay guy straight. Or she could be someone who also needs a beard of her own. In these cases, using a beard is not so bad. At least not for the parties directly involved.

Why do gay guys need beards?
A beard is usually required when a discreet gay guy wants to remain in the closet. At a certain point in time, being "single" raises a lot of questions especially from friends and family members. A guy who hasn't had a girlfriend and is not even seen dating a girl raises a lot of red flags. It can get uncomfortable when relatives start asking "so when are you getting married?" in a family gathering. It's just so much easier to prevent these questions from being asked and just give them a good show.

Family and religious situations can also force a gay guy to use a female friend as a shield of sorts. A lot of gay guys are scared that their traditional families are unable to accept them if they revealed their true sexual preference. This is particularly common in military families and influential families. They could stand to be disinherited if they don't adhere to certain "standards." Certain religious organizations, on the other hand, are openly discriminating against homosexuality. This forces their gay membership to go into hiding.

image courtesy of someecards.com

Do beards actually work?
A disguise only works if the person using it knows how to wear it. You can't pretend to be a skinny bikini clad girl if you are a 200 lb guy, for instance. Oftentimes, the (obviously) gay guy wearing a beard is made the subject of ridicule. People talk about him behind his back. Who, after all, is he fooling? The lady friend, on the other hand, becomes the receiving end of a pity party. The poor girl has no idea that her "boyfriend" is just using her.

Will this "fashion trend" end soon?
I think that this beard fad will continue for as long as there is a need for gay people to hide their true identities. If discrimination persists, people will be forced to go into hiding.


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My Girl Best Friend Thought I Loved Her 

My Girl Best Friend Thought I Loved Her (Romantically)

by Discreet Serpent

While a gay guy's natural tendencies should direct him towards the general direction of a hot hunk, it is but natural for us to spend a whole lot of time with our girl friends. Somehow we find their company entertaining, relaxing, and stress-free. It could be because we are not trying to flirt with them or seduce them every other second.

For discreet guys like me, having female friends could lead to complications if not clearly addressed at the onset. Certain expectations need to be set, and things have to be crystal clear to both parties. There is no room for error in judgment because this could lead to lost friendship and broken trust. I personally had disastrous experiences on the matter. They turned out okay in the end, but that was after the really awkward moments (mostly for the girls).

Story time

A few years ago, my friendship with Nica started. We were office mates and we were both supervisors. We spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, and even after work. I really thought nothing much about it, except that I was grateful to have a loving and caring friend. I depended on her for a lot of things. She was like my best friend then, really. One day, I decided to bring our friendship to the next level and decided to share my sexual orientation. I told her I wanted to have dinner with her after work, and that I had something very important to tell her. I was nervous and excited, and that really showed during that short conversation. In retrospect, that's probably how she got the wrong idea.


The best date ever

Nica, apparently, went straight to another close friend Chelle. She was so excited about the "dinner date" and was expecting a proposition of sorts. "This is it! I think he's finally gonna profess his love," she quipped.

Obviously, the "date" didn't go on as planned. I nervously told her about my "secret," and was a bit surprised about the weird reaction that I got. She was surprised, yes. She had questions, yes. But somehow, I couldn't shake the feeling that something else was wrong. I was hilariously clueless about what was really going on. The dinner date ended, and we were "normal" for the next couple of weeks.


The confrontation

After some time, our friend Chelle confronted me. She told me that the rest of the group had been teasing Nica because of what happened (at this point, the other members of the group already knew about me. But that's a story for another day). They called her a "fag hag" and teased her for her "poor judgment." Fortunately, Nica took it like a sport and just went with the flow. She was over the whole thing easy, and even started to tease me about what happened. It became a standing joke from then on (she now has a cute boyfriend who's not likely gay).


What's a Fag Hag?

Fag hag. What a term. It sounds discriminatory and derogatory, but apparently it is a widely used as a gay slang referring to a woman who either associates mostly or exclusively with gay and bisexual men, or has gay and bisexual men as close friends.


The Urban Dictionary states that you are a true fag hag if:

-You are a straight girl who has a best friend who is gay and you spend a lot of time together 
-You would rather go to a gay club than a straight club 
-Your fag gave you your own drag name 
-You know all the gay guys at the local gay bar 
-Your fag takes you shopping for mac makeup and then puts it on you 
-Your hair and makeup are always flawless 
-You dress up in his drag gear on saturday night or dress in drag together 
-You even dance with all the fags on stage when Britney Spears comes on 
-You learned to vouge from watching your fag 
-You fall in love with your fag (which is a bad thing) 
-You try to convert your fag (this will only ruin your relationship with him) 
And lastly... you find yourself not being able to live without him because you have so much fun with him.

Lessons learned

This brings me to the lessons that I learned after all these. First, it is a good feeling to have somebody admire you and love you. However, it is not a good feeling when you have to reject them or hurt them.

Second, discreet guys have a big responsibility with regard to our actions. Our lady friends probably don't know we are gay, so they could be led on easily by our good looks and charms. We need to set clear limitations, and we may have to come clean with them at some point just to avoid further complications. 

Lastly, some women (not my friend Nica, fortunately) would go to unreasonable lengths to try to convince you that you can be with them. Or they can spread rumors and half truths that would put your privacy in jeopardy. I guess you just have to prepare for this kinds of situations (again, a story for another day).

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The Battle Against Depression: Why We Are Losing

by Discreet Serpent

Time to get serious. We have all heard about a famous Hollywood actor's battle with depression, and how he ended up taking his life in the end. On a personal level, I heard about a friend's colleague who just suffered a terrible loss after her husband passed on (allegedly via suicide as well). Both are terrible tragedies, and both possibly resulted from lack of treatment. But I'm just guessing here.

image courtesy of npr.com

I don't know a lot about what causes depression and how it is diagnosed/treated, but I know enough to know that it is a serious condition that needs attention. I checked out my friendly source and found out these interesting tidbits:

• A constant sense of hopelessness and despair is a sign you may have major depression, also known as clinical depression.

• It is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships. Symptoms might include: Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day, feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day, insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day, restlessness or feeling slowed down, and recurring thoughts of death or suicide.

• Depression in men is significantly underreported. Men who suffer from clinical depression are less likely to seek help or even talk about their experience.

• Signs of depression in men may include irritability, anger, or drug and alcohol abuse. Repressing their feelings can result in violent behavior directed both inwardly and outwardly. It can also result in an increase in illness, suicide, and homicide.

• Major or clinical depression is a serious but treatable illness. Depending on the severity of symptoms, your doctor may recommend treatment with an antidepressant medication. He or she may also suggest psychotherapy, or talk therapy, in which you address your emotional state.

Some common triggers or causes of major depression include:

• Grief from losing a loved one through death, divorce, or separation
• Social isolation or feelings of being deprived
• Major life changes -- moving, graduation, job change, retirement
• Personal conflicts in relationships, either with a significant other or a superior
• Physical, sexual, or emotional abuse

In my case, depression is closer to home than I would want it. A few months ago, a good friend confided in me that he has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder. It was triggered by his breakup with his boyfriend, but he suspects that the disease has been there far longer. He told me how he kept to himself and practically stayed inside his room for months. He shared how he was feeling depressed enough to want to kill himself, but anxiously afraid of the dying process. What he felt was not the "regular" sadness that we're all familiar with, but something debilitating that prevented him from functioning. It was a terrible struggle, and it took several months of therapy and medication to get over it. Now, he is much better although he needed to have a lifestyle change and shift in perspective.

I have also (distastefully, I must add) joked a lot in the past about me being BI. BIsexual and BIpolar. That's because I'm terribly moody and have found myself in unexplainable mood swings. There are moments when I thrive in solitude and misery. It's a wonder people still like me. I'm probably not clinical, but it looks like these series of events have reminded me of my humanity and how I need to take care of my mental and emotional well being.

I hope that this entry has somehow helped enlighten more people about this serious threat. In our country, depression is not taken seriously and I am fearful that this would prove detrimental for us. There is a stigma against people who see shrinks and professionals. We think they are weak and crazy. We think that they just need to take some time off and get over themselves. We think that support from family and friends would be enough. 

How wrong we are.

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Who's Afraid of the Big Bad HIV Testing Center?

by Discreet Serpent

I had an interesting chat conversation with someone today.  It started with his curiosity about my blog and progressed into a topic that I haven’t considered writing about. The short conversation went like this:

Him: What about HIV?

Me: Not an expert in that subject but I could probably research. Thanks :)

Him: I don’t think you need to be an expert. You can talk about how discreet people are averse on getting tested.  The stigma of getting seen at an HIV testing clinic. It compounds the problem of growing HIV incidences since people don’t know their status and they are not well aware of activities that put them at risk.

Me: That’s a good point, and so very true.

Him: But have you gone testing before? Or ever?

Me: I’m safe :) Never tested.

…

Me: Maybe you should be the one to write the article.

Him: Haha but I am not a writer. I do my part in another way

Me: You should try it. You have good grammar. And I can sense you are passionate about the topic. Your passion is kinda contagious, actually. Makes me wish I’m in front of my laptop right now.

Him: Haha. Thanks, but I’ll leave it to you since you are the creative one. I’m a very technical person. I don’t want to preach in writing.

image courtesy of pendyman.com 

It took me a couple of hours, but now I’m finally in front of my laptop. Writing. This conversation had my head spinning, to say the least. I am confident that I am HIV negative. I know my limits and I shy away from risky behavior. But then again, the only way to be 100% sure is to get tested. That is also the responsible thing to do, especially for people who engage in sexual activities with multiple partners.

What got to me, however, was his statement about people who are not comfortable about going into testing clinics. This really hit home because I admit that I couldn’t imagine voluntarily having myself tested in such a public place. What if I see people who know me? What if the clinic staff gives me judgmental looks? What if there’s a long queue and I have to sit there for hours? What if somebody posts a photo of me on Facebook? What if I test positive and people end up finding out? What if they give my name to the Health Department and I get dragged to an undisclosed location and leave me there to die? Some of these fears may be unreasonable, but I can imagine sharing these concerns with a lot of other sexually active people.

Obviously, my fears are borne of ignorance for the most part. I must admit, as educated as I am, that I have not instructed myself enough to know what I need to know about this virus. It took a simple comment from someone I have never met to shake me to my core and realize that I, as a gay guy and a member of this society, have responsibilities. To myself and to other people.

I do hope that common sense will eventually kill this stigma about having ourselves tested. Words may never be enough to help this situation, but they can (hopefully) inspire people to face their fears and be reasonable. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowledge is power. It may be difficult to face the possibility of having positive results, but I suppose the other option would be to stop having sex altogether (not a very promising alternative).

To find a testing site, just use Google and look for one located in your vicinity. If you are concerned about privacy, then you may opt to go to the clinic furthest from your location (to minimize sightings and uncomfortable moments). The tests are supposedly private and anonymous, but don’t take my word for it. Inquire. Who knows, there may be an option to use a fake name or something.

Allow me to summarize some of the basics, that I may sleep better tonight knowing I contributed to the war against this killer virus.

•                HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) is a retrovirus that causes HIV infection. Its entrance into the body lowers the immunity or the ability to fight off disease.
AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) is a condition characterized by a combination of signs and symptoms, caused by HIV, which attacks and weakens the body’s immune system, making the afflicted individual susceptible to other life threatening infection.

•                HIV is transmitted by (1) having unprotected sexual intercourse (vaginal, anal or oral) with someone who is HIV positive, (2) having a transfusion with infected blood, (3) sharing syringes and needles with someone who is HIV positive for drugs and tattoos, and (4) mothers to their unborn babies and through breastfeeding

•                HIV can be detected through (1) Antibody test - an indirect test that measures the response of one’s body to the presence of HIV, and (2) Antigen test - a test that directly measures the virus

•                HIV Testing is voluntary, confidential and anonymous, with pre and post-test counseling. The window period for testing is 6 months from the last exposure with HIV.

•                Generally, it is recommended that you wait three months after possible exposure before being tested for HIV. Although HIV antibody tests are very sensitive, there is a 'window period' of 3 to 12 weeks, which is the period between infection with HIV and the appearance of detectable antibodies to the virus.

•                Knowing your HIV status has three vital benefits. Firstly, if you are HIV positive, you can take necessary steps before symptoms appear to access treatment, care and support services, thereby potentially prolonging your life for many years. Secondly, if you know you are infected, you can take all the necessary precautions to prevent the spread of HIV to others. Thirdly, your health care provider may recommend it, for example if you are pregnant and want to protect your unborn child. It may also be recommended by your health care provider if you are unwell, in order to obtain a more accurate medical assessment.

•                There are many places where you can be tested for HIV: in the offices of a private doctor, a local health department, hospitals, family planning clinics and sites specifically set up for HIV testing. Always try to find testing at a place where counselling is provided. In some communities home-based counseling and testing are available and can include couples counseling and support for safe post test disclosure of results.

Dear God, help me find the strength to do this simple act. And help other people make the same realization, too.

For the Girls: How to Spot a Gay Boyfriend

by Discreet Serpent

It's the same sad story. Girl meets boy. Boy courts girl. Girl falls for boy. Boy takes care of girl for a while. Girl thinks marriage. Boy meets boy. Girl remains clueless. Boy falls for boy.

This is probably one of the worst things that could happen to a girl's self confidence. Surely, it would be better if the guy just falls out of love or cheats with another woman, right? Surely, there must be something wrong with her for the guy to suddenly change preference on her, right? It would be super embarrassing to know that she got beat in the love game by someone who shouldn't have been a contender in the first place, right? Oh the shame! I can imagine how the girl ends up not only being the victim, but the one who takes the blame as well. She should have seen it coming, right?

As a gay guy who used to have girlfriends, I can honestly say (I can at least talk about my own experiences) that I had no ill intentions coming into my heterosexual relationships. I did love those girls. I did have plans with them. And I did have intimate relations with them (and enjoyed it). But at the end of the day, true love was somewhere else to be found. And like a normal person who looks for love, I ended things and moved on to what made me truly happy. I am not evil. Breakups happen, and people move on. I just needed to go on my own path.

But how, pray tell, can the ladies prevent such an unfortunate end? Is it even possible to spot a "transitioning gay guy?" Is it possible to stop the heartbreak from happening and avoiding such a situation altogether? I would have to say that there is no definitive answer to this question: anything can happen. I can, however, leave you with some tell-tale signs that your man (bless his heart) MIGHT swing the other way soon.

Birds of the same feather, flock together
It may sound cliche, but there is truth to the saying "show me your friends, and I will know who you are." Gay guys crave for like-minded companionship. The closeted ones, in particular, desire to have a group of friends with whom they can share their innermost secrets and desires. It is hard being a closeted gay guy without at least one person knowing your secret. Sniff around and see if you notice anything different with his friends.

The vanity of the metrosexual
Vanity is common nowadays, but they say that gay guys are a notch more inclined to be vain compared to their heterosexual counterparts. Check his grooming kit and see if he has a lip balm, an armpit whitening cream, a concealer, or nail polish. While these may not necessarily mean he is gay, you can use these as "supporting evidences" when you build your case.

Listen for pronouns
I hate lying to people, so when they ask me about my relationships I generally try to give them an honest answer. "Yes, I'm with someone. Yes, I live with my baby. No, I have not met the parents. No, we are not colleagues. My lover is a good person. The person I am with is the love of my life." As you may have noticed, I didn't use pronouns such as "he" or "his." That way, I get to tell the truth and not expose the fact that I am with someone of the same sex. This may sound weird, but will totally make sense once you catch him doing it.

Check for apps
Discreet gay guys mostly rely on technology to meet other gay guys. Unless of course they are given the opportunity to be in a confined space with just another guy. So the next time he takes a shower, check out his phone and look for dating apps. You can also check his browsing history and see if he has been to any gay porn site or gay forum.

Spending quality time
Lastly, the ultimate gauge will be on how you are feeling when you are with him. There will be obvious changes when a guy is about to bolt, and the changes will be so much more apparent if the guy plans to ditch you for another guy. Pay attention to your instincts. Is he spending less quality time with you? Does he seem distant? Does he touch you less frequently? Are the kisses passionate enough? Does it feel like he has been dying to tell you something important?

Again, these indicators are NOT 100% fool proof. You may need to harness your investigative side further, or you can simply confront your man and get it over and done with. These are tough times, and you need to make sure you are properly equipped with information in order to protect yourself from disappointment.

Image courtesy of rawstory.com

What They Don't Teach You In Sex Ed!

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