7 Signs of Abuse in a Relationship

From Guest Writer "Casey"

There are probably moments in your relationship when you think you are ready to quit. In retrospect, you thought you were the luckiest person in the world when you and your partner met. You thought the universe has conspired to bring you to the perfect person. Eventually, however, you realized you were wrong. The bliss you once knew is now replaced with conflicting emotions. Both of your worlds have suddenly made a 180-degree turn for the worse. You have been physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused. And despite that you still fail to identify the red flags that show you are in an abusive relationship.

image courtesy of bobverini.com

#1 Your partner is controlling every aspect of your life and you let it stay that way for too long.

He controls your every move. He has this habit of being bossy and that you are there to do every bidding. Furthermore, he believes that he should know everything that is going on with your life. He frequently interrogates you about where you were, whom you have been calling or texting and whom you are with. It even goes to the extent of checking your phone regularly. What you need is to set clear boundaries for them. Don’t be their puppet. This is a sign of abuse because he doesn’t allow you to be your own person. You don’t get to have the freedom and autonomy to do what you need to do; it always has to be done his way.

#2 Your partner blames you for his blunders and you are always there ready to absorb all his faults.

He plays the blame game so well even though he is obviously the one at fault. He is too proud to admit his mistakes. He redirects all errors to you and makes you feel guilty about it especially when it comes to being violent. You tolerate receiving all the blame and never budging to take a stand and because of that your partner is able to pass the responsibility and accountability of his faults so easily. This is sign of abuse because couples ought to take responsibility of their own faults and not direct the blame to only one of the couple.

image courtesy of www.doctornerdlove.com

#3 Your partner abuses you verbally and you take it like it is normal.

He talks to you with harsh words when he wants to get his message across and it doesn’t matter when or where. It seems that doing such an act increases his self-esteem because he has someone to put down and degrade. Your partner calls you derogatory names, curses you and humiliates you privately or publicly. At first, you get hurt from all the euphemisms but as time passes you take it like it is normal. You have hardened your heart to whatever banter your partner can throw at you. This is a sign of abuse because that mutual respect that is expected of each relationship has obviously faded.

#4 Your partner isolates you from any support person and you feel powerless to change the situation.

Your partner tries to cut off ties from your friends or family. He gradually deprives you from calling them or visiting them on your free time until finally you drift away. He prevents you from getting a job and seeing other people. He also has unsubstantiated accusations that you are cheating and flirting with someone else. Severing your ties with people gives him greater control over you because now you have no other support person you can hold on to. This is a sign of abuse because the isolation makes you vulnerable and easy to manipulate.

image courtesy of crisispoint.org.uk

#5 Your partner tends to get physical on fights and forces sex and you end up unable to fight back and resist.

Physical and abuse is probably one of the most common traits of abuse in a relationship. This can be attributed to him feeling powerful and dominant over you that he literally becomes physical. Grabbing, hitting and pushing are just some ways by which he inflicts injury. Also your partner forces you to have sex and do things you don’t want to do. This is a sign of abuse because forcing one’s dominance over another person is just not right.

#6 Your partner loosely resort to threats and it is more than enough to tame you.

He utters threats like it’s normal. Your partner does this so that you will fear him and you won’t attempt to do things that he doesn’t like. He may yell and threaten to harm you or any of your family or friends. He may say statements like, “I will kill you,” but then take it back when he has finally defused his temper. When he charms you back you easily give in to his strategies of winning you back. This is a sign of abuse because this is instilling terror and no one deserves to be in a relationship that breeds fear.

image courtesy of www.advocate.com

#7 Your partner is easily ticked off and have mood swings almost every day and you still live with it.

He easily gets angry and irritable but it may wax and wane. You become the easy target if he wants to draw that anger out after that he starts charming you back and the cycle repeats itself. You know you need to stop to all of this but you still put up with it. This is a sign of abuse because a relationship should promote emotional growth not emotional turmoil.


By now, you may feel confused and helpless but do not worry this is usually expected of someone who has experienced abuse. Do not sulk but rather let this article be an eye opener for you to take action. Don’t settle for what you have at present. Leaving a relationship is never easy but if staying means that you are sacrificing your safety then fleeing now is probably the best option. You are a person who gives love and needs love you should know that you deserve better.



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Love Has No Labels

Even as a kid, I have always believed that love has no labels. I have recently been asked this series of questions: Have you ever had girlfriends? Did you have sex with them? Did you just use them and not truly love them? Does that make you a lying jerk?

My response: I have, in fact, been in several heterosexual relationships in the past. And yes, I have been intimate with some of them. Does that make me straight? Not really. I think that deep down I have always known my sexual preference. Does that make me a liar? I'm not sure. What I do know is that I remember having strong feelings for all of them. And I have never forced myself into doing stuff with them. I have always said that I love the person and not the gender. That does not make sense to a lot of my friends, but it sure hell makes sense to me.

So I guess that's the reason why this video hit a homerun for me. It involves a simple stunt, really. Some guys put a giant x-ray screen in a crowded area and featured some dancing skeletons. These figures hugged, kissed and showed everyone what love is all about. They then step out and show everyone that love is universal, and that it has no race, religion, disability and gender.



Good stuff!



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Gay Kid Comes Out; Dad Pours Boiling Water On Him

by Discreet Serpent

This headline caught my attention today:

Father poured boiling water over his gay son for coming out as gay.

What made my jaw drop:

1. These Lebanese men were trying to force a 15 year old gay kid into a straight marriage.

2. The kid's dad beat him and poured boiling water on him. One of the uncles doused him in petrol and threatened to set him on fire.

3. The perpetrators were fined 1,350 Euros each.

4. These all happened after the kid came out as gay.

Image courtesy of The Economist

This is very disturbing on so many levels. First, I'm not sure about Lebanese laws against homosexuality but I believe I read an article somewhere stating that the country treats homosexuals better compared to some of their neighboring countries. In any case, it is still a bit extreme for family members to deal with a gay kid with violence and threat to life.

Nobody deserves to be at the receiving end of boiling water and death threats. Let me rephrase that. Maybe criminals of the highest order deserve that kind of treatment (maybe), but certainly not a young kid who just wants to be true to himself. Violence does not solve anything, most certainly not the "problem" of homosexuality (in other words, you can't turn a gay guy straight by washing him off with boiling water).

Then there's the issue about forced marriage. As if getting a gay guy into bed with a woman would somehow magically turn him straight. In reality, an arranged marriage like this would most likely end up in disaster. The gay husband is likely to end up cheating on his poor wife. Things will get worse if they somehow manage to produce offspring.

What irks me the most is how miniscule the penalty is. 1,350 Euros. Is this how little a gay kid's life is valued? I wonder how much the "penalty" would have been if it was the kid who doused these criminals with boiling water?


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Study Shows Support For Gay Rights But Not Guys Kissing In Public

A recent study just revealed what I thought was pretty much obvious for the longest time. It looks like there's an increasing support for gay rights, but no so much love for guys kissing in public.

The survey involved 1,000 respondents, a combination of gay, straight and lesbian individuals. They were instructed to give reactions to hypothetical scenarios pertaining to unmaried couples of varying gender combinations: two men, two women, and man/woman.

image courtesy of alanilagan.com

Sample questions: Should a couple be granted legal benefits like family leave, hospital visitation and inheritance rights? Should they be allowed to marry? Is it cool to display a peck on the cheek in a public place? How about a French kiss in a park?

Here are some of the results:
* 70 percent of straight respondents supported gay couples’ legal benefits, and 95 percent of them thought it was fine for a man and a woman to peck each other on the cheek in public.

* When asked the same question about a gay male couple, that 95 percent support dropped to 55.

* When asked about two women, it jumped back up to 72 percent.

Some people look at these results and say that people are still discriminating against gay people. Why else would they be disgusted with seeing them kissing in public, right?

For me, a passionate kiss should be kept in private. If I see it in public, I would think it's inappropriate regardless of who shared the kiss.


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13 Year Old Kid To Best Bro: "I Like Boys"

A Twitter user named @paleveil shared a text message conversation between her 13-year-old brother and his best friend. The tweet goes:

this convo between my brother and his best friend just warms my heart so much. And they're only 13. pic.twitter.com/59F8b0WJLD
— ✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ (@paleveil) November 8, 2014

This exchange quickly became viral, giving hope to all closeted gay guys that perhaps they also have a guy best friend who would accept them and love them no matter what.

Other people, like Twitter user @sometimestyles, had a different take on the matter. Not to be outdone, our social media savvy friend had this response:

rule number 1 kids, don't talk if u don't know any of the facts bc it only makes u look like an idiot. pic.twitter.com/xu4VtPWQUP
— ✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ (@paleveil) November 14, 2014

What do you think about this private conversation?


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Do (Younger) Gay Guys Rely On Monogamy As Protection From HIV?

A University of Glasgow survey has recently revealed some curious trends in the sexual practices of "monogamous" young gay men.

During the GAYCON 2014, the 5th National Conference for Scotland on Gay and Bisexual Men’s Health and Wellbeing, a certain Nicola Boydell presented the findings she got from studies and interviews she conducted with 30 gay men with ages ranging from 18 to 29 years.

image courtesy of wikihow

The question? What are their thoughts on condoms use. And here are some of the responses that she got:

“Anal sex is more risky than any other type of sex. But with a regular partner [it] is less risky than with a casual partner.”

“If it was just like a casual thing, I would always use condoms and then if we’re going out like, at the start, for like a couple of months, depending on the person, we would use a condom. Then after that, if like we trusted each other, if I trusted him, we wouldn’t.”

“At the moment we’re monogamous. But at the same time, we both appreciate other men, and there have been occasions when we’ve both been together with other guys, but we use protection in that instance.”

“I don’t think we’ve ever sat down and discussed [monogamy], but I know that’s… we must have discussed it in bits over time, because I just know that’s, that’s the case.” 

Boydell concluded that while some of the guys said both they underwent HIV testing before stopping the use of condoms, a good number relied on the belief that if one of them was HIV-positive, he would tell the other partner. These men also said that being monogamous is enough to make them feel safe.

Just for the record, a 2010 study made and published by San Francisco State University showed that primary partners are a major source of HIV-infection.


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"We Reserve The Right To Refuse Service To Homosexuals"

This is so wrong on so many levels. A t-shirt which reads "we reserve the right to refuse service to homosexuals" was donned by quite number of bigots in an anti-gay rally in Houston, Texas. But the most terrible part? The shirts were worn by kids who were probably brainwashed or forced by their irresponsible parents. What decent parent teaches their kids to hate on other people?

image courtesy of image magazine

The rally was organized by anti-gay groups who wanted to stand against openly gay mayor Annise Parker. The Moonie Times has this report:

Thousands showed their support Sunday the five Houston pastors who drew national attention for challenging the city’s now-withdrawn effort to subpoena their sermons. I Stand Sunday, a combination church service and religious-freedom rally, drew an estimated 6,000 congregants to hear a high-profile line-up of speakers at Grace Community Church in Houston. The two-hour event was simulcast to nearly 700 churches and 3,000 home groups. While the pastors were the focus, speakers warned that the Houston subpoenas represent only the latest example of a growing threat to religious liberty in the United States. “This was never really about subpoenas, it was not about sermons or speeches. This was about political intimidation,” said Family Research Council president Tony Perkins. “It was about trying to silence the voices of the churches and the pastors.”

And that, gentlemen, is how we raise future homophobes and criminals.


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Study: Bottoming Can Cause Prostate Cancer

A University of Montreal study revealed that gay men who "bottom for several partners" are exposed to higher prostate cancer risks compared to their heterosexual or "top" counterparts.

The report is based on a survey of around 3,200 men. Half of the group had suffered from prostate cancer between 2005 and 2009. The team of epidermiologist Marie-Élise Parent first found out that heterosexual men who had sex with over 20 women in their lifetimes are 28% less likely to develop the cancer compared to straight men who don't have sex with as many  partners. They think that a regular release of ejaculate could aid in the prevention of prostate cancer.

Gay men who bottom, however, are facing higher risks.

Gay guys who bottomed for over 20 male partners more than doubled their risk for prostate cancer. The risk of developing a more aggressive form of the cancer is also increased by 500%.

The research is not exactly clear on the mechanics of these findings, but they speculate that constant bottoming traumatizes the prostate. This results to the release of a prostate-specific antigen, a chemical that points to cancer in the area.

If this is true, then bottoms need to be more careful and should have their prostates checked once in a while. I wonder, however, if the research is based on the number of different partners (as it implies), or the frequency of engaging in sex (even if it's just with one or two partners)? Also, if ejaculating regularly aids in prostate cancer prevention, then would that somehow cancel off the negative effects of bottoming?


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Apple's CEO Tim Cook Just Came Out

This is huge!

Apple's CEO Tim Cook just came out as gay, and he did so with a blast! He had this to say in an interview with Business Insider:

"While I have never denied my sexuality, I haven’t publicly acknowledged it either, until now. So let me be clear: I’m proud to be gay, and I consider being gay among the greatest gifts God has given me."

image courtesy of nytimes.com

It was a unique approach to coming out because he chose a business magazine instead of a lifestyle magazine to cover his story. He also made sure that his being gay is seen as something that aided him in his business interactions and dealings.

"Being gay has given me a deeper understanding of what it means to be in the minority and provided a window into the challenges that people in other minority groups deal with every day. It’s made me more empathetic, which has led to a richer life. It’s been tough and uncomfortable at times, but it has given me the confidence to be myself, to follow my own path, and to rise above adversity and bigotry. It’s also given me the skin of a rhinoceros, which comes in handy when you’re the CEO of Apple."

There has been a lot of speculation about Cook's sexuality, and now those rumors can finally be put to rest.


You may also want to read what a Bloomberg reporter had to say about this important occurrence in the business world.  This is, after all, the first time that a leader of a fortune 500 company has willingly come out of the closet.

"Tim, you didn't have to come out, but you did.  And to that I say, 'Welcome to the Family.'  But you already were part of the family through your companies support and actions.  This year, I went to one of my favorite cities, Austin, Texas, to celebrate their pride.  One of the main reasons 17 of us went was because a good friend that works for Apple was invited to walk in the Pride parade to represent his company.  Yes, Apple was going to have a presence in the parade and what a presence it was.  Over 3,000 marchers wearing Apple shirts marched down Congress and 4th street.  I think it took them at least 6 minutes to pass us. Thanks Apple for the show of support."


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Family Circle Magazine Criticized For Featuring Gay Family

Women's magazine Family Circle deviated from its traditional, "All-American" standards by featuring a gay family for the very first time. And they were met with criticism and disgusted reactions from some of their more "traditional" readers.

Chris and Bob Osner-Hackett (together with their two daughters) appeared in the last issue of the magazine as part of the column "Modern Life." The couple described how they have always felt welcomed and accepted by their community.

image featured in Family Circle Magazine

Unappreciative Family Circle readers took to Facebook upon seeing the photo. They felt that the same-sex family hugging each other was offensive. Some expressed how "disappointed" they were, while one user even went as far as saying that the family was an "abomination."

Linda Fears, Editor-in-Chief of Family Circle, had this to say:
“The Modern Life column is one of several new features introduced with the redesigned September 2014 issue. Our aim is to be reflective of all families and we don’t think it’s a big deal to publish a piece on gay parents. We are certainly not the first magazine or media brand to share the story of gay parents. We hope that everything we publish in Family Circle is inspiring, informative, thought provoking or motivating in one way or another. Our goal is to be relevant, honest and realistic.”

In my opinion, if you don't like something, then don't read it. 

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5 Things To Consider Before Entering Into An Open Relationship

I got several inquiries and reactions after I posted the "Open Relationships: Salvation or Doom" article last month. Some people were adamant in saying that there is no justification for entering such a complicated setup. Being in a real loving relationship means a connection between two people, and third parties have no place at all. Others were grateful that the "taboo" topic was openly discussed and that valid reasons were given to explain why people would opt for such a setup.

Being in an open relationship is indeed complicated, but as I have seen it could work for some couples. It would probably take more effort from both parties, but the payoff could be worth it in the end. Here are some things that you need to know before you consider being in this kind of relationship:

image courtesy of markbrennanrosenberg.blogspot.com

1. Are you ready to be jealous?
We are talking about your partner potentially sleeping with other people. People who could be hotter than you, more intelligent than you, more interesting than you, and likely better endowed. No matter how progressive you think you are, there will be certain situations where you will feel a bit insecure and a tad jealous. Is that something that you can handle? Or will that lead you to a path of self-destruction? Ultimately, you will be the one suffering so you need to be really honest about this, and you need to make sure that you can handle jealousy when it comes knocking on your brain.

2. Are you stable?

Stability here does not necessarily pertain to mental stability (although it would be a plus) or financial stability (which is irrelevant in this case). Before you enter into an open relationship, you should make sure that your current relationship is stable. Have you been with your partner for a long time? Has your relationship stood the test of time? Are you certain that you can sustain your relationship no matter what happens? Having a strong foundation based on trust and love would help a lot if you and your partner decide to take the leap and venture into an open relationship.

If you are considering this setup with a new partner, it would be more tricky. I think that trust is essential if open relationships are to work, and trust is not something that happens overnight. In this case, the stability needs to come from within you. You have a better chance of surviving if you come into an open relationship with a strong head and steady emotions. It would be a bad idea to come into this if you are stressed out in life.

image courtesy of gaypoly.wordpress.com

3. Are you ready to be fair?

Reciprocity is the name of the game. In an open relationship, you need to be willing to let your partner do something if you want to do something. You can't be sleeping around and expect your partner to be monogamous. If you go out on dates to get to know your potential "hits," then he should be allowed to do the same. 

4. Are you ready to communicate?

First, you need to have a lengthy discussion with your partner. Be clear as to what you want out of this setup, and make sure that he speaks his mind as well. Specific is terrific. Set up rules if you need to, and set boundaries. Are you only allowed to sleep with other people when you are in another time zone? Are you allowed to sleep with someone more than once? Are you limited to having sex with others only when both of you are present? Are you required to tell each other about your exploits? Who are you allowed to sleep with? Do you have a "no bang list" or a list of people that you should never touch (like relatives or exes)?  Rules will make you maintain a certain amount of trust and will help you sustain your open relationship. It will also set you apart from being just a normal couple who sleeps around with others.

You should also be upfront with other people who could be affected by your decision. If you engage in one night stands with other people then there should be no problem. If you have a more regular third party partner, however, he should know what he is signing up for. Spare him the drama and let him know that you are already in an open relationship.

You may also want to consider telling your friends about your setup. That way, they won't get stressed if they see you or your partner getting sexy with other people.

5. What are your reasons behind entering this setup?
If you are entering this setup to save an already doomed relationship, then chances the relationship is doomed anyway. This is not a quick fix or a patch you can use to save something that is already over.


From what I gathered, open relationships could be great if it's something that works out for you. It gives you enough freedom to meet and learn from other people while maintaining that one special relationship that's for keeps. It gets you out of being monotonous, and it spices up a relationship. And you can just imagine the conversations that you and your partner can have based on your new experiences! But then again, this setup does not work for a lot of people. As such, it's not something that you should get into without serious thought and consideration.


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Guys Strip Down To Raise HIV Awareness #Pants2HIV

image grabbed from twitter @GeorgePatrickH

Men are dropping their trousers and showing off their underwear/pants in an effort to raise HIV awareness and funding. In case you haven't heard of it, the drive is called #Pants2HIV, and it should be showing on your Instagram and Twitter timelines by now.

Here are some details from the GMFA site:

Help us say "Pants2HIV"

Last year 3,250 gay men were diagnosed with HIV in the UK.
We believe that gay men need frank, honest and clear information about HIV and sexual health.
GMFA: better health, better choices and great sex.

GMFA makes an impact.

Around 100,000 people visit the GMFA website every month looking for information about the risks involved in sex and ways to have better, safer sex.

Our most recent campaign Think Again reached over 4 million people

Our gay men’s health magazine FS reaches around 100,000 per issue through print, online and mobile apps

However, without your support, all of this could disappear.

GMFA currently receives no government funding for any of our HIV prevention work, including this website.

Here’s how your donation can help:

£5 helps provide 225 gay men with accessible sexual health information and advice on GMFA’s website, www.gmfa.org.uk
£10 helps provide social support to gay men living with HIV
£50 helps fund a social media campaign targeting gay men in ‘high risk’ areas
£100 helps FS magazine reach over 400 readers via print, web and mobile app, providing vital sexual health information.
You can make a donation online by using the donate box at the top of the page OR text GMFA14 and £3, £5 or £10 to 70070.

We need your help to continue to reach more gay men with vital sexual health advice, so we can all make better choices, for better health and have great sex.

And here are some Twitter posts to get you going:

HIV rates in young gay men are rising. That's why I'm supporting #Pants2HIV... please help @GMFA_UK if you can! pic.twitter.com/YPQLNNlSYD
— Ranj Singh (@DrRanj) October 16, 2014

I’m saying #Pants2HIV by donating £5 to @GMFA_UK - It's time for you to do the same - text GMFA14 £5 to 70070 pic.twitter.com/QMrVLhncff
— SeanySean (@tweetseamus) October 17, 2014

Beau & I are saying #Pants2HIV by donating to @GMFA_UK. I encourage all followers & Athena lovers to do the same ;] . pic.twitter.com/zstmXAumTA
— Alan Turkington (@thisisalanturk) October 14, 2014

DO WHAT HE SAYS RT @TheCowlicker I’m saying #Pants2HIV by donating £5 to @GMFA_UK. I nominate my followers next! pic.twitter.com/YpJN4tNFKU
— Liam Murphy (@liamwaterloo) October 13, 2014

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Speaking OUT: Queer Youth in Focus

Speaking OUT: Queer Youth in Focus is a photo collection/book by Rachelle Lee Smith.  10 years in the making, it contains pictures of people (teens) with their reflections and coming out experiences. It shares the stories and experiences of LGBTQ youth as displayed by their personal handwritten text.

Queerty reports:

This collection of youth from all over the world is utterly moving as they show what it’s like to come into your own as part of a community that struggles with its own identity and place in society.

The book by author Rachelle Lee Smith is avaialable for purchase for $15 . Here’s a first-look with exclusive pages from the book itself.

In case you are interested, Amazon has it for only $11.88.


You can also check out this statement for more details on the project:


STATEMENT:

Speaking OUT: Queer Youth in Focus is a photographic essay that explores a wide spectrum of experiences told from the perspective of a diverse group of young people, ages fourteen to twenty-four, identifying as queer (i.e., lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or questioning). Portraits are presented without judgment or stereotype by eliminating environmental influence with a stark white backdrop.

This backdrop acts as a blank canvas, where each subject’s personal thoughts are handwritten onto the final photographic print. With more than sixty-five portraits photographed over a period of ten years, Speaking OUT provides rare insight into the passions, confusions, prejudices, joys, and sorrows felt by queer youth.

Speaking OUT gives a voice to an under-served group of people that are seldom heard and often silenced. The collaboration of image and first-person narrative serves to provide an outlet, show support, create dialogue, and help those who struggle. It not only shows unity within the LGBTQ community, but also commonalities regardless of age, race, gender, and sexual orientation. With recent media attention and the success of initiatives such as the It Gets Better Project, resources for queer youth have grown. Still, a void exists which Speaking OUT directly addresses: this book is for youth, by youth.

Speaking OUT is an award-winning, nationally and internationally shown and published body of work. These images have been published in magazines such as the Advocate, School Library Journal, Curve, Girlfriends, and Out, and showcased by the Human Rights Campaign, National Public Radio, Public Television, and the U.S. Department of Education. The work continues to show in galleries, universities, youth centers, and churches around the world.


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Video: How A Father Came To Terms With Having A Trans Child

Are you ready for one of the most heartwarming videos you will ever see in your life?

Singer "Holysiz" released this video called "The Light," and it's about a family "dealing" with having a transgender child. It shows how the child copes with having to endure the judgmental stares and bullying of other people, and how an unaccepting father can make things intolerable. It also features the strong love of a mother, and how she goes against everyone just to see her child happy.

 

It was a tough journey for the family, yes even for the father. While he appears to be the "villain" at first, I can totally understand why he would want something "normal" for his family. Normal, however, does not equate to happiness. And he finds out in the end that the happiness of his child should be given more importance.

And what he does to make his child smile? Priceless.


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Gay Wedding Advice: Where's the Gay Section?

I just saw this ridiculously funny (despite all the homophobic slurs involved) video from Key and Peele. It's about a family meeting held in preparation for "cousin Delroy's" wedding. Delroy, as it turns out, is gay, and the entire clan had no idea what to expect from a "gay wedding."

So they asked for the expert advice of a gay man.

The session started well enough. Introductions were made to a family member's friend, no not really a friend but a "co-worker." A simple statement started off the conversation: basically a gay wedding is just like a straight wedding. As to be expected from a satirical comedy, it all went downhill from there.

                    

Here are some of the questions asked:
- Do the men wear dresses and the women wear suits?
- None of us are gay, so i assume that all of us will sit at the straight section (as opposed to the gay section)? When do we get to sing "it's raining men, hallelujah it's raining men?" So there's no gay hymns in the ceremony?
- Do we have to participate in the anal sex? or can we just watch and cheer?
- Does the fake priest look like a real priest or like a nun? Or... Is it a sexy boat captain then he takes his clothes off?
- When they kiss, is it ok to stand up and say "ewww?" What about an involuntary gasp?
- Is RuPaul gonna be there? Neil Patrick Harris?

The questions, in themselves, are ridiculous and derogatory. I actually didn't know if I should be laughing or if I should feel offended. And then I remembered that the whole thing was meant as a skit, a joke. More importantly, it somehow shows people that asking those kinds of questions are not only offensive but will also make them look really stupid.

In the skit, the gay guy gets really frustrated and storms out the room. If it were me, I would probably stay and get more questions, tape the whole thing, and post the video on this site. So we can all get some laughs.


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Open Relationships: Salvation or Doom?

by Discreet Serpent

An open relationship is one where the parties have agreed to "see other people" and experience "intimacy with consent." This setup remains a mystery for a lot of people, but we often see it in profiles of gay guys who have online chat accounts. I have always wondered about the logic behind the choice to engage in this seemingly complicated setup. As such, I sent out these questions to people from all over the globe:

"Do you think being in an open relationship is a viable option for gay guys? Why do people choose to be in this setup? Will this work out or is the relationship doomed to failure? Have you ever been in such a situation?"

image courtesy of au.reachout.com

Relationship without love

A good majority of my respondents thought that being in an open relationship is the gateway to hell, so to speak. True loving relationships, in their opinion, should be based on love and commitment between two people. There is no room for other people especially when it comes to intimacy. If you love someone, you can not bear to see them with somebody else.

For these guys, people who would like to enter in open relationships should just stay single. That way, they could date whoever they want and not hurt anyone in the process. They can sleep around without complication.

Jealous much?

Jealousy also plays an important role in this. Even if the parties agree to the setup, one of them is bound to be jealous and insecure about his partner spending time with another person. It is enough to drive someone crazy, and this could certainly strain the relationship.

An excuse for promiscuity

These same set of people also believe that "open relationships" could be an excuse made to justify promiscuity. These couples want to have the "best of both worlds." They want to have the "security" of having someone stable, but at the same time reject the concept of commitment.

Know how to separate love and sex

There was also quite a number of guys who stepped up and admitted to being in a working open relationship. Their primary defense? You just need to know how to separate love and sex. Love is something you share with a special person, someone you share everything else with. Sex, on the other hand, is just a form of physical pleasure to satisfy one's carnal urges. Their open relationships have worked well because they know their limits and they have the freedom to do what they want to do.

Relationship saver

Some respondents said that being in an open relationship was not part of the original agreement, but it ended up saving their relationship in the end. Most of these guys have been in a relationship for years, and they have reached a stale point where they have seemingly exhausted their sexual adventures. Having sex with other people, especially together (like in a threesome), has spiced up their sex lives and made them re-discover excitement. They learn from other people and are able to apply these new experiences in their own sessions. 

Just follow the rules

The only way for open relationships to work, according to the respondents, is to set guidelines and to follow these rules. The initial conversation will be tricky, but they need to come up with limitations that are acceptable to both parties. They could, for instance, agree that they could only sleep with other people when they are out of town. They could also agree to never sleep with another guy for more than one time. These rules give the parties peace of mind, but also allow them a certain freedom to experiment.

Solves the cheating issue

For these men, honesty and trust is very important in a relationship. They acknowledge that cheating is prevalent, especially in the gay society. They know that at some point, they will mess up and end up sleeping with another guy. They just want to save themselves the trouble of having to be hurt and betrayed by opening up the possibility in the first place. They understand their weaknesses, and they want to honor the relationship by being open about wanting certain freedoms.

Open relationships: gay and not straight

A curious observation: open relationships seem to be more prevalent in the gay community as compared to straight couples. Or at the very least, it is a more open topic in our community. Straight couples seem to be wary of the subject, and have limited tolerance to the idea. I'm not sure if there's a scientific reason there somewhere (girls are more jealous? straight guys are more threatened?), and it's probably a topic for another day.

Whatever works for you

At the end of the day, I suppose each couple chooses what works best for them. What's important is that they fully understand what they want, and know exactly how to go about their setup. Rules may be restrictive for some, but I think they make relationships work. At this point I really don't think that theres one relationship model that's 100% effective. A relationship is what we make out of them. They work if we want them to work.


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How To Seduce a Straight Guy

by Discreet Serpent
Originally posted on August 3, 2014

I love straight men, or as some people would say, "straight" men. They are adventurous, inquisitive, and surprisingly easy to please. Because they are in unfamiliar territory, they are nervous yet willing to learn. And they smell really, really nice. Yes, I am talking about being in bed with them.

Image courtesy of: cheezburger.com

When we hear about straight guys having sex with gay guys, the initial assumption would be that the guy got paid. Or the guy is using the gay guy for financial gain. While there is a certain truth to that, wouldn't you rather get your guy using more creative means? Wouldn't you rather hunt and enjoy the chase in the process? This, for me, is the best way to satisfy your straight guy cravings. So how do you go about with it?

Good Conversations
Like any normal "courtships," getting your guy comfortable is the key to everything. It is particularly tricky for discreet gay guys because there is a certain amount of deceit going on. Unlike porn movie scenes, you can't just bring a straight guy to a room, grab his crotch, and expect fireworks. You will probably end up with a black eye that way (although it could work for certain people). Get to know him. Gain his trust. Learn his weaknesses. Be his best friend. Listen to him.

Flirting and Joking Around
Once you become buddies, it would be easier to start flirting. With subtlety, of course. You need to test the waters and see how he responds to your advances. Start with the simple "hope you had a great day" message, and inject messages like "I was thinking about you earlier" and "I wish you were here to help me with this project." It would really depend on your personality and on how you think your guy friend would receive your advances. If he responds positively, then you can slowly proceed to "I miss you." For most guys, messages with sexual innuendos work best. It's all done in the spirit of fun, so you are likely to get away with these messages unscathed.

Get Him Drunk
Straight guys think that being drunk is an excuse for doing anything crazy. If they are under the influence of alcohol, everything is excusable. They can do something that they would "never do" and blame it on the alcohol. You, my gay friend, can use this to your advantage. Invite him over to your place, grab a few beers, and drink the night away. This will help set the mood. Just be careful not to make him drink too much, or he will just pass out on your couch.

Set the Mood
One word. Porn. Straight porn, of course.

Ask Him Questions
"What was the best blowjob you ever got?" "When was the last time you had sex?" "What was the most adventurous encounter you ever had?" Share your own experiences, and inject some gay related statements like "I heard guys give the best blowjobs because they have penises and they know what's most pleasurable."

Test The Waters
Put your arm on his shoulders and let it stay there. Or let your hand linger on his thigh longer than it should. Simple gestures that could mean nothing, but could be an indicator of his willingness to go all the way. If he smiles or just let you do what you are doing, then you can proceed with having your head on his lap or his shoulder. He will start to breathe heavy, an indication that he has an idea about what's going to happen. Make sure he relaxes. Offer him more beer. Better yet, offer to give him a massage (this ALWAYS works).

Rebuttal Statements
In some cases, there will be resistance. Your best argument: "We are both guys. We won't lose anything if we fool around." This is actually an asinine argument, but guys really believe that if they lose nothing, then it will be alright. You can't get pregnant. You won't be clingy. And you will be discreet about it. After all, nobody CAN know about your encounter. It will be embarrassing! (wink wink).

Performance Level
Once you're in, you have to give the performance of your life. Make it worth his time. Make him realize that the best experiences can be given by another man. Be adventurous and make sure you exceed his expectations. Learn about his best sexual encounter and make sure to top it! After all, you may want to go for seconds.

The Aftermath
This is probably the most important part of the encounter. You have to make sure that he is okay with the experience. His main concern would probably be his privacy. You need to assure him that nobody will find out about what happened to you. Make the conversation light, and try to act normal. It is a big deal for him, but he would probably want to play it safe and keep things on the down low. Be sensitive.


(One can argue that if a guy has sex with another guy, then he can't be "straight." For the purposes of this blog entry, let's not complicate things and just define "straight" as someone who maybe has a girlfriend or a wife. Or a guy who dates women.)

These instructions are obviously not fool proof. The most critical aspect would be your ability to execute flawlessly. It takes guts, and it takes a certain empathy. Your timing needs to be right, and you need to be at the top of your game. It will also help if you are physically compatible.


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Gay Creativity: Are Gay People More Creative Than Straight People?

by Discreet Serpent

I had a nice conversation about creativity and homosexuality recently. The subject: whether gay people are inherently more creative than straight people. Sure, we are all created equal. But somehow, industries that rely on creativity have been dominated by homosexuals and bisexuals. Fashion, music, publishing, and movies: these businesses may be geared towards pleasing everyone but look closely and you will notice that gay people are running the show. This begs the question: is creativity somehow synonymous with homosexuality?

image courtesy of dramaqueennyc.com

Creativity in Open Cities
Numbers don't lie, and it is a proven fact that cities with high density gay populations (such as San Francisco and Los Angeles) also have a good showing in terms of creative output. Fields like interior decoration, music, public relations, entertainment, and fashion have a high percentage of workers that are gay. It seems like gay people are naturally inclined to entering ventures that hone our creativity. It helps that these open-minded cities appreciate such talents, and are welcoming of gay people.

Creativity and Empathy
From a psychological perspective, creativity is borne of empathy. It takes understanding of another individual's feelings and thoughts to break the barrier of monotony and look for something better. Knowing what other people's feelings are would give you an edge in terms of harnessing your creative juices. Knowing your audience/reader/listener/customer's thoughts can lead your insights towards the right direction.

Empathy is usually honed from childhood experiences. You understand others better if you have personally experienced their loss or suffering. The most empathic persons have seen death, trauma, illness, or bullying at one point in their lives. These experiences make a person think differently about the world, forcing them to observe what other people only ignore. Could this be why gay people are more creative? Most of us had to endure discrimination and bullying growing up, and these life lessons could have impacted our ability to become more creative.

image courtesy of frontiersla.com

The Male and Female Perspective
Biologically speaking, men and women are different. This is why it can be difficult for one to understand the other's point of view. Gay people, however, have the unique capability of seeing things from the perspective of both man and woman. I'm not sure how this works, exactly, but gay guys have a good balance between masculinity and femininity. And this delicate complication could possibly be why we are (generally) more creative. We see things differently, and in this state we are able to create ideas that are out of the box.

Closeted Gay People are Less Creative
On this note, it was pointed out to me that there is a tendency for closeted individuals to be less creative than their "out and proud" counterparts. As a discreet gay guy, my tendency was to be defensive. That, to me, did not make a whole lot of sense. But as I listened to the argument (from someone who has years of experience in the entertainment industry, no less), I realized that he may have a point. It appears that closeted guys create a protective wall around them to shield them from being outed. This proverbial wall, in turn, limits the flow of creativity. There are things that a closeted guy won't admit, and topics that he is hesitant to discuss.

The Future
While some of these arguments aren't scientifically proven, the fact that the gay community has taken over a good chunk of creativity-related industries is indisputable. "Gay" has been made synonymous with "creative." Yes, we are different. And in this difference lies the kind of thinking that will propel our society to another level.


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