Forget These 10 Relationship Rules!

by Discreet Serpent

We have all heard the "experts." These relationship "gurus" have laid down the rules and told us what we all need to do in order to make our relationship work. Just do what they are saying and we will all live happily ever after. But guess what? Relationships still end. Partners still fight. These so called "rules" aren't 100% reliable, after all.

My advice? Forget these relationship rules!

image courtesy of aei-ideas.org

1. "Learn each other's hobbies"

If he is a basketball freak and you are a fan of the arts, you can try bridging your gap by participating in each other's hobbies once in a while. This does not mean, however, that you have to force yourself to learn how to play the game. And you shouldn't expect him to watch the opera with you every weekend, either. You are allowed to enjoy your own interests separately.

2. "Your partner is your best friend"

He should be allowed to have his own close friends, someone whom he can talk to in case he needs advice about his relationship issues with you. You both need other people in your lives whom you can rely on and talk to in times of need. Let's face it: you may be the love of his life but he has probably known his best buddies since they were kids.

3. "You must share all secrets"

If you share all your secrets with him, you risk losing the trust of other people. Certain things need to be kept under wraps, like your best friend's secret love affair or your closeted brother's sexual preference. You just need to discern which secrets are worth sharing, and which secrets are irrelevant to your relationship.

image courtesy of theblaze.com

4. "Don't go to bed when you are angry at each other"

While this is a good relationship rule, it only works when both parties are genuinely apologetic and forgiving. But if you guys are just forcing yourself to be "happy" for the sake of following a rule, then you are just deceiving yourselves. Sometimes, a good night's sleep helps take away the anger and irritation. You may wake up in the morning realizing how stupid your argument the previous day was.

5. "You should be together in every event"

While it should be expected that you are each other's date during weddings and family affairs, there are certain activities that you need to do separately. If he needs to go out with his high school buddies, for example, then there's no need for you to tag along. You will just end up feeling uncomfortable because nobody knows you, and your partner probably won't enjoy because he has to take care of you.

6. "Don't ask (or beg) someone to make time for you"

It is a common relationship mistake to think that your partner should be sensitive to what you need at all times. Yes, he is expected to know you, but he is not a mind reader. There are things that are better said out loud. So if you feel that he has been spending too much time at the office, it would be wiser to just ask him to go on a date with you instead of waiting for something that probably won't happen.

image courtesy of washingtonblade.com

7. "You must have a date night at least once a week"

It's sweet of you to devote at least one night for each other, and this would definitely help boost your relationship for the better. However, this must not be an absolute rule. There are instances where you will need to make adjustments and cancel on each other. If he can't make your Saturday night date because he has to bring his mother around, you will need to understand and not throw a fit.

8. "Forget about the ex"

In some relationships, the topic of "the ex boyfriend" is considered taboo. After all, what's in the past should remain in the past, right? Well, if you take time to know what happened with his ex you may learn a thing or two about making your current relationship work better. It will also put all your insecurities and questions about his previous relationships at bay.

9. "Once you break up, you should not get back together"

They say that breakups are indicators that your relationship is doomed. You will make the same mistakes over and over again, hurting each other more in the process. On the flip side, breakups will make you realize how much your partner really means to you. It will show you how important he is and how he makes your life better. A reconciliation also means forgiveness, something that will make your relationship so much stronger.

10. "Don't listen to what your friends say about him"

While it is true that you are the one who should truly know your partner, it would also be wise to take the advice of your friends. If they all tell you that your partner is bad news, then maybe you should look into the matter and not turn a blind eye. Trust is essential in a relationship, but it doesn't mean that you should be stupid.

image courtesy of syracuse.com

In summary, I do believe that certain rules need to be followed in order for a relationship to work. The absence of rules, after all, will result in chaos and anarchy. We are, however, supposed to be intelligent human beings who can make decisions for ourselves. As such, we should know when to "bend" these rules to our advantage.


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5 Signs That Your Ex Wants You Back

by Discreet Serpent

After several months of dating you and your boyfriend decide to call it quits. Irreconcilable differences, as you put it. You try to move on with your life, consider (casually) dating other people, and try to make sense of new path that's right in front of you. Just as you're starting to get your groove back, you start noticing the presence of your ex. He seems to be everywhere, seemingly forgetting the painful experience that you both went through. Could he be there because he wants you back? Or is it his way of making it clear that he has already moved on?

image courtesy of thenume.files.wordpress.com

Here are 5 signs that your ex wants you back in his life:

1. He talks about you and your relationship
Your friends will tell you that your ex asks about your whereabouts a lot. He is curious about how you are coping after the breakup and what steps you have taken to get over the pain. He will try to find out what activities you have been up to and if you are seeing new guys. He will casually ask common friends questions about you in the hopes of finding out that you still want him back.

He will cling to your old memories and dwell on the happy times. When he's with his friends he will slowly drift away from the conversation and inject topics that are related to you: how you travelled to Europe that one time, how you spend hours on the phone talking about nothing and everything, or how you love to pig out at your favorite restaurant. It will be obvious that he does not want to let go of what you had, and has high hopes to regain what was lost.

image courtesy of americablog.com

2. He will try to contact you

Every break up should have a "no contact rule," a time frame where both parties are not allowed to communicate with each other. It is during this time that you will discover that you can move on with your lives without the other person. Usually, this would run about 30 days.

If your ex tries to contact you within days or weeks after the big break up, then something is definitely up. This could be a "random" text message saying "good morning," or a simple comment to the photo you posted on Facebook. And be warned about the "drunk dialing" (while it may sound fun, it can only mean that strong feelings are still at play). 

The gesture is simple, but the effects could be epic (or disastrous, depending on how you look at it). People who break up normally don't talk to each other unless they need to work together or meet up for the divorce settlement. If your ex tries to contact you, it means that he wants to keep the communication lines open. It means that he is trying to find the best way to get through your defenses. 

3. He will be a "changed man"
Your relationship ended for a reason, and it is likely for behaviors that can be attributed to the both of you. If you ex is trying to get you back, he will make an effort to fix his mistakes and make it up to you. He will try to talk about the errors of his way and discuss how things would be different moving forwards. If he used to act violently, he will show a tender side that you haven't seen since you were first dating. If you caught him cheating, he will prove to you that he regrets everything by showing you his message inbox and his deleted dating apps. He will try to fix whatever caused your breakup and "forgive" you for your contribution in the matter.

image courtesy of wgsn.com

4. You will "accidentally" run into him all the time
You see him everywhere. You feel his presence all the time. You will think it's serendipity, you will think it's fate that's pulling you back together. I mean, what are the chances that you end up being in the same bus or the same movie theater, right?

Destiny aside, you are probably running into your ex a lot because he is trying his best to find ways to run into you. He probably collaborates with your best friend, finding out everything he can about your daily schedules. He likely stalks you day in and day out, trying to figure out a "subtle" way to cross paths. He obviously knows how your mind works and how you normally spend your day, so getting into your head won't be that difficult. He wants you back bad enough that he is willing to become a creepy stalker just to be on your good side.

5. He is extra sweet and extra caring
He will ask you out on "friendly" dates once in a while, and put his best foot forward in the process. He will show you a "tender" and loving side that you probably haven't seen before. He will be extra romantic, bringing you presents and taking you to your favorite places. And yes, he will ignore the fact that he hates the opera or detests Japanese food. Just so you're happy.

image courtesy of gayse.net

And if you want him back (you know you do), you will find all of these things sweet and romantic. You will choose to believe that all these signs are pointing towards the direction of reconciliation. You will forget all the hurtful words exchanged, and all the traumatic experiences of the past. You will blindly step forward and believe, once again, that things will work out.


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Open Relationships: Salvation or Doom?

by Discreet Serpent

An open relationship is one where the parties have agreed to "see other people" and experience "intimacy with consent." This setup remains a mystery for a lot of people, but we often see it in profiles of gay guys who have online chat accounts. I have always wondered about the logic behind the choice to engage in this seemingly complicated setup. As such, I sent out these questions to people from all over the globe:

"Do you think being in an open relationship is a viable option for gay guys? Why do people choose to be in this setup? Will this work out or is the relationship doomed to failure? Have you ever been in such a situation?"

image courtesy of au.reachout.com

Relationship without love

A good majority of my respondents thought that being in an open relationship is the gateway to hell, so to speak. True loving relationships, in their opinion, should be based on love and commitment between two people. There is no room for other people especially when it comes to intimacy. If you love someone, you can not bear to see them with somebody else.

For these guys, people who would like to enter in open relationships should just stay single. That way, they could date whoever they want and not hurt anyone in the process. They can sleep around without complication.

Jealous much?

Jealousy also plays an important role in this. Even if the parties agree to the setup, one of them is bound to be jealous and insecure about his partner spending time with another person. It is enough to drive someone crazy, and this could certainly strain the relationship.

An excuse for promiscuity

These same set of people also believe that "open relationships" could be an excuse made to justify promiscuity. These couples want to have the "best of both worlds." They want to have the "security" of having someone stable, but at the same time reject the concept of commitment.

Know how to separate love and sex

There was also quite a number of guys who stepped up and admitted to being in a working open relationship. Their primary defense? You just need to know how to separate love and sex. Love is something you share with a special person, someone you share everything else with. Sex, on the other hand, is just a form of physical pleasure to satisfy one's carnal urges. Their open relationships have worked well because they know their limits and they have the freedom to do what they want to do.

Relationship saver

Some respondents said that being in an open relationship was not part of the original agreement, but it ended up saving their relationship in the end. Most of these guys have been in a relationship for years, and they have reached a stale point where they have seemingly exhausted their sexual adventures. Having sex with other people, especially together (like in a threesome), has spiced up their sex lives and made them re-discover excitement. They learn from other people and are able to apply these new experiences in their own sessions. 

Just follow the rules

The only way for open relationships to work, according to the respondents, is to set guidelines and to follow these rules. The initial conversation will be tricky, but they need to come up with limitations that are acceptable to both parties. They could, for instance, agree that they could only sleep with other people when they are out of town. They could also agree to never sleep with another guy for more than one time. These rules give the parties peace of mind, but also allow them a certain freedom to experiment.

Solves the cheating issue

For these men, honesty and trust is very important in a relationship. They acknowledge that cheating is prevalent, especially in the gay society. They know that at some point, they will mess up and end up sleeping with another guy. They just want to save themselves the trouble of having to be hurt and betrayed by opening up the possibility in the first place. They understand their weaknesses, and they want to honor the relationship by being open about wanting certain freedoms.

Open relationships: gay and not straight

A curious observation: open relationships seem to be more prevalent in the gay community as compared to straight couples. Or at the very least, it is a more open topic in our community. Straight couples seem to be wary of the subject, and have limited tolerance to the idea. I'm not sure if there's a scientific reason there somewhere (girls are more jealous? straight guys are more threatened?), and it's probably a topic for another day.

Whatever works for you

At the end of the day, I suppose each couple chooses what works best for them. What's important is that they fully understand what they want, and know exactly how to go about their setup. Rules may be restrictive for some, but I think they make relationships work. At this point I really don't think that theres one relationship model that's 100% effective. A relationship is what we make out of them. They work if we want them to work.


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Are Gay Guys Incapable of Monogamy?

by Discreet Serpent
Originally Posted on August 7, 2014

Earlier today, I sent this question out via different social media channels:

“Hi guys! Do you believe that gay guys are capable of monogamy, or are we built to have multiple partners? Is cheating part of what makes us who we are? Have you ever cheated/been cheated on?”

I was pleasantly surprised with the overwhelming response I got, specifically from the gay chat app that’s normally used for hooking up. Different people, different opinions, all valid and within reason. Who says that chat rooms are now bereft of people who make sense?

If you are interested to find out what these boys think, read on…

image courtesy of nomblog.com

On Being Faithful

“Yes, we can be faithful just like heterosexual couples… thinking that we are different and having too much freedom (no marriage) are some of the reasons why our behavior (with being in a relationship) is different from the norm. I think being polygamous is a norm with the male species, but it still boils down to how much they (gay couples) love each other and how they value their friendship…” 

***Tripping***

“Men can be faithful. All it takes is discipline. Doing things that should be done even if you don’t feel like doing them. If the right person comes along, you will be ready to be “selfless.” At that point, being faithful wont be as difficult. 

***Barurotmoko***

“We are capable of monogamy.” 

***BigBadWolf***

“Yes I do believe in monogamy. But yeah, monogamy is difficult.” 

***Tytos***

On Polygamy

“People of all gender/preference are capable of cheating.” 

***1000 Rejectedme***

“I think there’s no difference with heterosexual relationships. Some guys are capable of committing to one partner, while some are not contented. They are looking for other partners simply because of the urge.” 

***Paul Dominique***

“Men in general are polygamous.” 

***Anonymous***

“By nature they say men are polygamous. So imagine, two polygamous men combined in this context. With two gay guys, who are men, polygamy would be an impossibility. 

***Nice & Decent*** 

“Yes! Not just capable, but most of the time gay guys are used to having multiple partners. Perfect example: the number one source of HIV in the country are bisexuals. We can only count couples who can share their love forever. This is also why most gay/bi guys are single til they reach 60. 

***Chok***

“Yes, im cheating. I guess I just want to experience other partners. I am not satisfied with what I get from my partner sometimes.” 

***Lander***

“I believe that men, not just gays, are by nature polygamous. This is why Islam allows men to enter multiple marriages. This is also why shows like The Legal Wife and My Husband’s Lover are accepted in our society. Men are likely to become unfaithful.” 

***Barurotmoko***

“A gay guy is still a man. Man is by nature polygamous”. 

***Jieben***

On Social Influences

“If a person repeatedly cheats in every relationship, then he might have his own issues. It may be the way the person was brought up, his socio-economic status,  or certain identity issues. Values and educational backgrounds are some factors that contribute to this behavior.” 

***Yok***

“Is cheating part of what makes us who we are? Why do we cheat in the first place? I believe there are social factors involved. Discreet gay guys, in particular, have all the freedom to sleep around. Nobody would notice because we are “discreet.” There are no social pressures because we don’t get pregnant, and nobody can judge us if we remain discreet. Nobody will suspect that we are cheating just because we are seen with another guy, and nobody will tell us to stop cheating.” 

***Nice & Decent***

 image courtesy of blogs.telegraph.co.uk

On Discipline and Maturity

“Are we capable of monogamy? Sure, but age and maturity are important factors. Based on my experience, I laid low when I was 28 (I am now 30). Nowadays, I value time and companionship, good and meaningful conversation over sex.” 

***Nice & Decent***

“Of course, I do believe that we are capable of monogamy. I can say this despite having been cheated on , and despite me having cheated as well. I cannot talk for the person who cheated on me, but I can speak for myself. Ultimately, it was a conscious choice that I made, giving in to lust and carnal desires. That was just it. The key to monogamy is to always choose the higher road, and to communicate openly with your partner about what you really want.” 

***Anonymous***

There is hope yet

“Historically and biblically , polygamy is man’s nature. Only a loving, selfless and God-fearing man can counter his nature. I still believe that there are guys (gay and straight alike) who are capable of true love.” 

***Barurotmoko***

“I believe that every gay man is capable of monogamy. As long as there is discipline, definitely it will work. Temptation is always there. But if we know how to stay out of it, it would do wonders. I’ve been in a serious relationship. I never cheat. We have never cheated with each other so I know all of us can do that.” 

***Jed***

“I believe in monogamous relationships. Yes, I’ve been cheated on and I also cheated in my previous relationship. And it really sucks. Maybe it can be regarded as a phase, a part of growing up. To know ourselves better.” 

***Yok***

image courtesy of vi.sualize.us

My Takeaways

I am very thankful for all these guys (and the rest who didn’t make the cut) for sharing their opinions on the topic. I would like to state that each and everyone of us are entitled to our own opinions, and we are certainly free to live our lives the way we want to.

I have nothing against people who cheat. In our society, cheating has turned out to be a norm of sorts. As long as you don’t get caught, you’re fine (or so they say).

Having said that, I do believe that monogamy is still possible even in a culture such as ours. It is a tad more challenging compared to our heterosexual counterparts, I must agree, but it is still something attainable. I refuse to let everyone believe otherwise. Thinking that monogamy is not possible is the first step to losing the battle. Possibilities are only limited by our imagination. If we think something is not doable, we are doomed to failure.

I have seen gay couples who practice monogamy (not a lot, I must add. But they’re out there). I have also talked to a lot of gay guys who want to be in committed, monogamous relationships. It may sound idealistic to some, but these people believe that they deserve nothing less than a real loving relationship. Hopefully, these people end up with each other so they are spared the pain and heartache.

Being in a monogamous relationship is a decision. Or at least, it begins with a decision. A commitment to stay true and firm, and to honor the love of your partner. It shouldn’t matter if you were raised otherwise or if you are surrounded by people who don’t value these things. What matters is how you decide to live. Make a choice, and be prepared to live with your choice. Whatever makes you happy.


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8 Signs That a Guy is Hitting On You

by Discreet Serpent

We are all suckers for love. Even when we don't want it, we have a natural tendency to find it. It could be for companionship, for sex, for good conversation. Whatever it may be, we all consciously (or unconsciously) hope to find our soul mate in a random encounter. But what if we miss out on the signs? What if he's been there all along, right in front of us, and we somehow fail to notice that he's interested?

What are the signs that someone is interested in you?

image courtesy of homorazzi.com

1. Social Networking Stalker

If a guy likes you, he will make his presence felt in Facebook or Twitter. He will "like" everything you post, and make cute comments about how awkward you look in a photo or how fun your weekend activity was. He will check all your previous tweets and send you a direct message about how one of your posts affected him directly. He will try to start a conversation with you and chat with you until the wee hours of the morning. He will even talk about common friends that you have, and how it's a small world. He is likely to lure you into asking him to join in on the fun next time.

2. He's on "Protector Mode" all the time

A guy who likes you will have a tendency is to be protective of you even if you don't need protection. It could be a conscious effort to keep you on the "safe side" when you cross the street, or a sudden urge to punch someone who has done you wrong. It could even be a simple request asking people to leave you alone when you become the butt of a joke. If you care about someone, you would want to do anything in your power to keep him from harm. And no, the threat does not have to be real when he goes on "Protector Mode." Chances are, he comes to your defense even when you don't need it at all. And if you like him back, you will find this valiant effort "cute."

3. You are the Target Market
A person who is interested in you will try his best to impress you. He does not care about the people around you; they are all part of the interior decoration for all he cares. One clear cut way of identifying if someone interested in you is to observe how he cracks jokes. A disinterested person would address the crowd like he would in a show. The jokes are likely taken from a page of a funny book. His connection with the crowd is superficial and impersonal. His goal is to make everyone in the group laugh.

Someone interested in you, on the other hand, will focus on you. It's like he's telling you a private joke in your own personal world, without a care for everybody else. The other people in the group might find his jokse corny, but he will try to target YOUR sense of humor and say something that he thinks would make YOU laugh.

image courtesy of reviewsbyjessewave.com

4. He treats you differently 
He could be the biggest jerk when he is with his friends, or a super strict boss to his employees. But when he's with you? He suddenly transforms into the sweetest and most sensitive guy. This boy is trying to get on your good side, and he is putting his best foot forward. He is trying to be someone whom he thinks can win you over. At the same time, you will notice that he is always nervous around you. This is probably because he is afraid to make a blunder that would scare you off. He is trying very hard to impress you, and he ends up a nervous wreck in the process.

5. A series of personal questions
If you are interested in someone, you would want to know everything about him, right? So if this guy likes you, he will start getting personal and ask you detailed questions about your activities. He will ask you about your childhood, your educational background, your work experiences, your favorite hobbies, and even your dog. He will be interested in what you were called as a kid, what you had for breakfast last weekend, and what you wear in your sleep. Some questions may be too personal for you, and this is an indication that you may not have the same interest in him. After all, if you really like him, your life should be an open book.

6. He will ask sex-related questions

If a guy is interested in you, he will definitely want to find out if you are sexually compatible. After all, that's a very important aspect of a relationship. The questions could be awkward, or they can be direct. But essentially, he will want to find out if you're top, bottom, or versatile. He will also be curious about your sexual habits, fetishes, and fantasies. He will want to know where you get your porn, and what kind of positions you have tried in the past. You may think these are conversations brought about by the curiosity of a friend, but think again. There is a big possibility that he is out to find out if you two will click together as a couple (in bed).

image courtesy of wikihow.com

7. You have a lot of things in common

All the questions and conversations would magically lead to one conclusion: the two of you have a lot of things in common! He will agree to almost anything you say. You will hear things like "Oh yeah! I loved that movie! It was the best!" or "I've been to that restaurant but I need to try that dish!" Some of these will be sincere, while the rest will be an act. But this is the most used trick in the book: to capitalize on common interests to bring the relationship to the next level.

8. Invasion of your Personal Space
We learned this in psychology: each person has a "personal space" that he doesn't want to be invaded by anyone. It's different for everyone, but the idea is to stay a safe physical distance from someone to avoid getting into an uncomfortable situation. It could be an arm's length away, or a the length of a hair strand. If your guy doesn't seem to mind your (and his) personal space, then that means that he may be trying to get close to you. He will try to push his boundaries: a touch here and a pat there. These physical moves will escalate into more daring caresses for as long as you allow them.


It is usually flattering if someone shows their interest, and it is your responsibility to either entertain this or to gently turn the person down. Understanding these signs is the first step to building a good relationship with someone. If you are interested, take the leap and don't let the person get away.


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My Girl Best Friend Thought I Loved Her (Romantically)

by Discreet Serpent

While a gay guy's natural tendencies should direct him towards the general direction of a hot hunk, it is but natural for us to spend a whole lot of time with our girl friends. Somehow we find their company entertaining, relaxing, and stress-free. It could be because we are not trying to flirt with them or seduce them every other second.

For discreet guys like me, having female friends could lead to complications if not clearly addressed at the onset. Certain expectations need to be set, and things have to be crystal clear to both parties. There is no room for error in judgment because this could lead to lost friendship and broken trust. I personally had disastrous experiences on the matter. They turned out okay in the end, but that was after the really awkward moments (mostly for the girls).

Story time

A few years ago, my friendship with Nica started. We were office mates and we were both supervisors. We spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, and even after work. I really thought nothing much about it, except that I was grateful to have a loving and caring friend. I depended on her for a lot of things. She was like my best friend then, really. One day, I decided to bring our friendship to the next level and decided to share my sexual orientation. I told her I wanted to have dinner with her after work, and that I had something very important to tell her. I was nervous and excited, and that really showed during that short conversation. In retrospect, that's probably how she got the wrong idea.


The best date ever

Nica, apparently, went straight to another close friend Chelle. She was so excited about the "dinner date" and was expecting a proposition of sorts. "This is it! I think he's finally gonna profess his love," she quipped.

Obviously, the "date" didn't go on as planned. I nervously told her about my "secret," and was a bit surprised about the weird reaction that I got. She was surprised, yes. She had questions, yes. But somehow, I couldn't shake the feeling that something else was wrong. I was hilariously clueless about what was really going on. The dinner date ended, and we were "normal" for the next couple of weeks.


The confrontation

After some time, our friend Chelle confronted me. She told me that the rest of the group had been teasing Nica because of what happened (at this point, the other members of the group already knew about me. But that's a story for another day). They called her a "fag hag" and teased her for her "poor judgment." Fortunately, Nica took it like a sport and just went with the flow. She was over the whole thing easy, and even started to tease me about what happened. It became a standing joke from then on (she now has a cute boyfriend who's not likely gay).


What's a Fag Hag?

Fag hag. What a term. It sounds discriminatory and derogatory, but apparently it is a widely used as a gay slang referring to a woman who either associates mostly or exclusively with gay and bisexual men, or has gay and bisexual men as close friends.


The Urban Dictionary states that you are a true fag hag if:

-You are a straight girl who has a best friend who is gay and you spend a lot of time together 
-You would rather go to a gay club than a straight club 
-Your fag gave you your own drag name 
-You know all the gay guys at the local gay bar 
-Your fag takes you shopping for mac makeup and then puts it on you 
-Your hair and makeup are always flawless 
-You dress up in his drag gear on saturday night or dress in drag together 
-You even dance with all the fags on stage when Britney Spears comes on 
-You learned to vouge from watching your fag 
-You fall in love with your fag (which is a bad thing) 
-You try to convert your fag (this will only ruin your relationship with him) 
And lastly... you find yourself not being able to live without him because you have so much fun with him.

Lessons learned

This brings me to the lessons that I learned after all these. First, it is a good feeling to have somebody admire you and love you. However, it is not a good feeling when you have to reject them or hurt them.

Second, discreet guys have a big responsibility with regard to our actions. Our lady friends probably don't know we are gay, so they could be led on easily by our good looks and charms. We need to set clear limitations, and we may have to come clean with them at some point just to avoid further complications. 

Lastly, some women (not my friend Nica, fortunately) would go to unreasonable lengths to try to convince you that you can be with them. Or they can spread rumors and half truths that would put your privacy in jeopardy. I guess you just have to prepare for this kinds of situations (again, a story for another day).

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Can You Find Lifelong Friends or Long Term Partners in Gay Chat Apps?

by Discreet Serpent

I love chatting with people, strangers or otherwise. Anonymity aside, it allows me to connect with people from different walks of life and gain insight from their experiences. Lately, I’ve been using the chat sites to gather information about certain topics that I want to write about. I do get a lot of substantial responses, but also some interesting propositions from guys who are obviously in it for sexual gratification.

I’m pretty sure that I (with my scholarly pursuits) am an exception to the general rule. But this made me wonder: Is it possible to find lifelong friends or long term relationships in gay chat sites like Grindr or Hornet, or are these apps purely for hooking up?

You can definitely find your soul mate here

“It’s absolutely possible. The guys here are not necessarily doomed. You just have to find the right person at the right place and at the right time.”

***Born to Beat***

“It’s possible but very rare. As in VERY rare haha. Maybe 15% of 100? Based on experience…”

***@Joshtannnnn***

“Possible.”

***Altitude, 31***

"I think so. As the saying goes, love is just in a corner. Gay websites may be a place for hook ups but I believe there are still people who look for love. Real love for serious relationships. Just like me."
***Mark***

You have to defy the odds, but you just may find it

“It’s possible as I found both my long terms relationships on sites like Grindr. But based on our experience, you have to weed through thick vegetation to find it. “

***MPowered***

“You can still find lifelong friendships and relationships but it will be hard. Needs a lot of patience. But most of the gay guys using these apps are mainly looking for hookups.”

***RR, 27***

“It doesn’t matter where you meet the guy… be it via an app or the street or a chat room…If you find him, you find him. Technology just made it easy to meet people. But with or without technology, it’s difficult to find the right man for a lot of reasons.”

***bud, 37***

“Grindr was made as a gaydar to locate nearby geighs. It is mainly for hookups. But I do believe in miracles…”

***@karakochaka***

You can find someone, but they might not last long

“Yes, it’s possible. I met two of my latest exes from Grindr. But I wouldn’t call it long term. Ex number 3 from Batangas was almost one year, and ex number 4 from Quezon City had issues with me being online on the app. I was open to having other guys on the side but my partner wasn’t because he was older and a bit serious. His best friend caught me using the app with “open relationship” as a status without his consent. Thus we broke up after 4 months.

***#SwagLove, 27***

“Yes, but not for me. Lol!”

***Sailormoon, 26***

It’s a character issue, not a technology issue

“It depends on the personality of the person you are chatting with but in my opinion, it’s very rare especially in our case as homosexuals.”

***Engt.M, 20***

“It depends on who you ask and what it is that they are looking for when they joined. I don’t really have personal experience yet as I consider myself a Grindr Virgin (I only created my account recently), but as for me, when I joined, I just wanted to see what it’s like in here and I hope to meet new friends along the way.”

***Chubby Whale, 29***

“For me I think it depends on your intention and how you project yourself.”

***naughty***

No way, you’re better off at the mall

“No, it isn’t. I found a partner in Planet Romeo but our relationship didn’t last. I left him. All we did was have sex and I didn’t feel that I was important to him in other aspects.”

***Versace, 23***

“60-70 percent of the population using this app have it for hookup purposes. The rest of the population uses it hoping to find long term relationships/friendships, but even this population sometimes find themselves in a situation which turns out to be just a hookup.”

***SmileyFace, 30***

“For hook up. Coz you can really find hot, stud and horny guys here in Grindr. Safe sex is always a must.”

***Jagger***

“No. Meeting feeling here is superficial. Only for hook ups. No serious romantic relationships. But I must say that based on experience, most people I’ve met here initially would go for sex. The following meetings would be more open and contain honest conversations. Eventually, we turned out as friends/acquaintances. People who get into relationships here will eventually feel that their partners could be playing behind their backs (maybe through this app or other means).

***Anonymous***

“What counts as long term for you? 1 year? Well the people you’d talk to who say they were in a 1-year relationship would have broken up with their partners already coz they’re looking again in Grindr.”

***Jerod***

So what now?

From the looks of it, most of the guys using chat apps are pessimistic about finding true love thru that channel. This probably stems from the fact that they know their intentions coming into these apps, and would not want to date people who are similarly inclined. It would be very stressful, after all, to think about the possibility of your partner hooking up via Grindr or Hornet behind your back. That would be enough to break a budding relationship apart.

There are, however, optimists who think that true love can still be found in the midst of temptation. Just find the right person at the right time, they say. People change and can stop looking once they find their soul mate, they claim.

I used to be a chronic chatter, for all the wrong (or right?) reasons too. Without trying to sound like a slut, I pretty much slept with most of the people I met up with. (That was when I was single, of course. But that’s not the point of this entry). But I also met one of my best friends in a chat room. We were super wholesome (it bored me at the start, but I got over it) and talked mostly about comic books, work, and staying in the closet. We have been friends for a long time, and that’s why I think there are still “quality” people out there. Just waiting to be discovered.

My thoughts on the issue? I do believe that you can find friendships and relationships in the weirdest of places. You just got to have an open mind about it.

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