Chatroom Madness: What it Means to be Discreet

by Discreet Serpent
Originally Posted on July 31, 2014

I'm a huge fan of chatting, and I met some of my closest friends through the chatrooms of old. That being said, the culture within the walls of the chatroom continue to evade me for the most part. In this post, I will try to get my head around what it means to be discreet.

image courtesy of slate.com

When you visit chat sites like Grindr or Jack'd, you will notice profiles of men with the word "discreet" written. Most of the time, it comes with a photo of a body part (not the face) or an object (a dog, a cup of coffee, the beach, etc). This indicates that the person wants to interact with a like-minded person without exposing himself to the world. This often implies that the member is a "straight-acting" guy, a closeted guy, or an adventurous "straight" guy. Likely, the profile will also mention that "non-manly" guys "need not inquire." To simplify, what the persons says is that he is a manly/masculine guy who wants to meet similar guys.

Merriam-Webster defines the word as having or showing discernment or good judgment in conduct and especially in speech :  prudent; especially :  capable of preserving prudent silence. This is a definition in a broader sense, and can pretty much apply to anything that requires prudence.

An online Urban Dictionary, on the other hand, has more "updated" definitions.

A word gay/bi men use to describe themselves in a cool way that they are closet cases and have no intention of coming out soon. This allows them to maintain perceived heterosexual privilege while engaging in their true sexual desires.


Discreet is a term used by gay men in online profiles, usually along with the phrase "can't host." These words can often be used interchangeably, but using them together is a definite sign of an insecure douche. Discreet and "can't host" usually mean one of the following: 
a). My boyfriend doesn't know I am cheating on him. 
b). My girlfriend/wife doesn't know I like to have sex with men. 
c). I'm embarrassed of who I am, and I don't want my neighbors to find out I'm gay.

These definitions are obviously more LGBT appropriate. In essence, being "discreet" in a gay chatroom means that you want to engage in chat/sex/communication while attempting to maintain a certain privacy. You do not want the whole world to know you are gay/bi.

Here's the "controversial" part for me: I believe that the term is now being "overused" and "abused." Even men who technically do not fit the description of being "discreet" use the term as a bait to attract a certain type of guy. It usually doesn't up well because once the other person finds out the truth, the deal is off (they are, after all, looking for the same type of person). Other times, the effeminate guy ends up "pretending" to be straight-acting just to get what he wants. The complications that can arise are limitless because one or both parties are pretending to be someone they are not.

A red flag for me would be guys who claim to be discreet but proudly use a face photo on their profiles. So much for discretion. Any person who downloads the app will now know that you are gay, so what's the use in pretending to be discreet? I have nothing but respect for people who can proudly display their true selves, but dude, don't claim to be discreet okay?

At the end of the day, you just need to be yourself. You will probably end up attracting more genuine people that way. If you are out and proud, kudos! If you want to keep your sexuality hidden, I'm sure you have your reasons (after all, we should all just respect our differences and live our lives the way we want to).


RELATED POSTS:


Does bisexuality exist or is it a stepping stone to “full gayhood?” 

Misconceptions about the DISCREET GAY GUY … 

Do your parents know that you’re gay?