8 Questions You Shouldn't Ask A Gay Guy

by Discreet Serpent

I started this blog for a number of reasons, one of which was to educate my friends about homosexuality. A good number of them have limited knowledge about how gay people are, and most of their perceptions resulted from their limited exposure to our kind. "Gay," for them, refers to guys who act like girls, want to be girls, or dress like girls.

Most of them were shocked when a "straight looking guy" like myself turned out to be gay.

I have been asked a lot of questions by these friends of mine, mostly brought about by their curiosity about my lifestyle. Some of their inquiries were downright disturbing and wrong, and I had to call them out each time. Here are some of the "classic" ones:

image courtesy of trendandtonic.thefuturescompany.com

1. Are you the guy or the girl in your relationship?
I laugh like crazy every time I hear this one. If you are a straight guy/girl reading this post, please, please: never ask this question. It makes you look like an ignorant person. That's the thing about a gay relationship: the parties are both guys (or both girls). Sometimes, we take on the "top" or "bottom" roles, but this is not really a requirement. And being a bottom doesn't equate to being a girl.

2. Why did you choose to be gay?

It's really not a choice, my friend. These are the cards I was dealt with. Did you ever have to choose to be straight?

3. Have you ever tried dating a woman? If not, how sure are you that you are gay?
As a matter of fact, I have dated several women. So I know the distinction. Now assuming I have not dated women before, I'm pretty sure I would still know that men turn me on. Oh wait, let me ask you the same question: have you ever tried dating someone of the same sex? Maybe you should try it, just so you're sure about your sexuality.

4. Do you want to be a girl? 
I am happy to have a penis, thank you very much. And please, don't call me "girl" or invite me to a "girls' night out." I am very happy with how I look and with my physiological features. Read up on "LGBTQ" and try to understand the differences.

5. Is there a chance that this is just a phase?

Everything is possible in this world. Maybe you should try having sex with someone of the same sex, and see if your being straight is also a "just a phase."

image courtesy of cheezburger.com

6. You don't look gay. You look straight, actually. It's such a shame, don't you think?
Thanks for the "compliment," but if you think all gay guys look the same (or have the same "vibe") then you are sadly mistaken. Just because I like men doesn't mean that I need to act like a girl. My sexual orientation does not reflect how I want to present myself to others. I act the way that makes me the most comfortable.

7. Aren't you scared of getting HIV?
Last I heard, the HIV virus needs to be transmitted sexually (or via blood transfusion, if you want to be more inclusive). I won't get it for simply being gay. And guess what? We have about the same chances of getting the virus so maybe you should start worrying about who you're sleeping with.

8. So who else in our circle is gay?
I'm flattered that you think I have an excellent gaydar, dear. But let me set something straight. Just because I came out to you doesn't mean that I have the right to "out" everybody else. It's not my decision, and I refuse to be an asshole.

image courtesy of washington.edu

So there you have it, straight guys and girls. These are some of the questions that you probably shouldn't ask a gay guy. If you do, you might get similar responses as mine (if you ask a really nice gay guy). And if you happen to encounter a really bitchy gay guy, you will probably get more interesting responses. And possibly a bitch slap or two.


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Chatroom Madness: What it Means to be Discreet

by Discreet Serpent
Originally Posted on July 31, 2014

I'm a huge fan of chatting, and I met some of my closest friends through the chatrooms of old. That being said, the culture within the walls of the chatroom continue to evade me for the most part. In this post, I will try to get my head around what it means to be discreet.

image courtesy of slate.com

When you visit chat sites like Grindr or Jack'd, you will notice profiles of men with the word "discreet" written. Most of the time, it comes with a photo of a body part (not the face) or an object (a dog, a cup of coffee, the beach, etc). This indicates that the person wants to interact with a like-minded person without exposing himself to the world. This often implies that the member is a "straight-acting" guy, a closeted guy, or an adventurous "straight" guy. Likely, the profile will also mention that "non-manly" guys "need not inquire." To simplify, what the persons says is that he is a manly/masculine guy who wants to meet similar guys.

Merriam-Webster defines the word as having or showing discernment or good judgment in conduct and especially in speech :  prudent; especially :  capable of preserving prudent silence. This is a definition in a broader sense, and can pretty much apply to anything that requires prudence.

An online Urban Dictionary, on the other hand, has more "updated" definitions.

A word gay/bi men use to describe themselves in a cool way that they are closet cases and have no intention of coming out soon. This allows them to maintain perceived heterosexual privilege while engaging in their true sexual desires.


Discreet is a term used by gay men in online profiles, usually along with the phrase "can't host." These words can often be used interchangeably, but using them together is a definite sign of an insecure douche. Discreet and "can't host" usually mean one of the following: 
a). My boyfriend doesn't know I am cheating on him. 
b). My girlfriend/wife doesn't know I like to have sex with men. 
c). I'm embarrassed of who I am, and I don't want my neighbors to find out I'm gay.

These definitions are obviously more LGBT appropriate. In essence, being "discreet" in a gay chatroom means that you want to engage in chat/sex/communication while attempting to maintain a certain privacy. You do not want the whole world to know you are gay/bi.

Here's the "controversial" part for me: I believe that the term is now being "overused" and "abused." Even men who technically do not fit the description of being "discreet" use the term as a bait to attract a certain type of guy. It usually doesn't up well because once the other person finds out the truth, the deal is off (they are, after all, looking for the same type of person). Other times, the effeminate guy ends up "pretending" to be straight-acting just to get what he wants. The complications that can arise are limitless because one or both parties are pretending to be someone they are not.

A red flag for me would be guys who claim to be discreet but proudly use a face photo on their profiles. So much for discretion. Any person who downloads the app will now know that you are gay, so what's the use in pretending to be discreet? I have nothing but respect for people who can proudly display their true selves, but dude, don't claim to be discreet okay?

At the end of the day, you just need to be yourself. You will probably end up attracting more genuine people that way. If you are out and proud, kudos! If you want to keep your sexuality hidden, I'm sure you have your reasons (after all, we should all just respect our differences and live our lives the way we want to).


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Dating a Bisexual Guy: 6 Things to Know

by Discreet Serpent

Bisexual guys are an enigma to most people, gay guys in particular. We only understand our own experiences, and cling to the notion that anything beyond what we know must be myth. We dismiss bisexuality as a "phase" or a "shield" that closeted gay guys use to protect their privacy. Truth be told, there is a lot of confusion about it even in the LGBT community. As such, a lot of gay relationships involving bisexual guys end up doomed.

What we should understand, however, is that these relationships mostly end up in failure because of pre-conceived notions that should be corrected. Here are some essential things that every gay guy needs to know before dating a bisexual guy:

image courtesy of scienceofrelationships.com

1. They are not "in transition"
A lot of gay guys used the term "bisexual" to define themselves when they started out experimenting with other guys. Being a bisexual was seen as "cool" and was an attractive "quality" that drew other men to hooking up with them. As time progresses, these "bisexuals" gradually come out and fully embrace their identity as gay guys. This kind of experience led many gay guys to believe that bisexuality is a "transition" or a "stepping stone" towards full homosexuality.

Bisexuality, however, does exist. This is a hard fact for some gay guys to swallow, but we can not rule out something just because it is contrary to our own personal experiences. Different people deal with their identity issues in different ways. Some guys like both guys and girls. Deal with it. Learn to accept it. And don't let this get in the way of your relationship.

2. Don't force him out of the closet
Bisexuals have a lot of issues to deal with personally, and they should be given enough space to deal with these issues on their own. Society seems to understand homosexuals a lot more than bisexuals, and this social stigma keeps a lot of bisexuals hidden in the closet. Forcing your bisexual partner to come out in any way will only jeopardize your relationship. Just accept him for who he is and leave him alone with his issues. He will ask for your help when he is ready.

3. Communication is key
You should not let your differences affect the way you talk to each other. As much as possible, try to learn about each other and how you are dealing with your sexual orientation. Express your feelings and be open about things that could affect your relationship. On the other hand, avoid going overboard and over-discussing things that are best left unsaid. It gets really old, for instance, if you keep on asking him to explain each and every time he looks at a girl. You don't want your entire relationship to be full of discussions about bisexuality and homosexuality. There are a lot of other things to talk about.

image courtesy of slate.com

4. They are not (necessarily) promiscuous

Another popular misconception: bisexuals like men and women, and they have a much wider choice of sexual partners than anyone else. As such, they must be having sex all the time.

Just because bisexual guys have more options than the rest of us doesn't necessarily mean that they are slutty or that they sleep around a lot. Bisexuality does not equate to polygamy. And besides, don't they say the same thing about gay guys? In reality, a person's sexual orientation does not dictate his sexual appetite. Sleeping around or cheating is actually a result of a person's character. 

5. Don't get jealous

Jealousy is a relationship killer. If you are in a relationship with a gay guy, you may have a tendency to get jealous everytime he talks to another guy. Imagine how it would be like to date a bisexual guy. You could go crazy because no matter where he goes, and no matter who he talks to, you are not safe!

Try not to get too jealous, my friend. If you do, it could spell the end of your relationship (and quite possibly your sanity). Jealousy creates paranoia, and can lead you to believe things that are not necessarily there. Your relationship needs to be based on trust. Don't accuse him of anything unless you have undeniable proof worthy of being presented as evidence in court. 

6. People will ask; Be ready
When your friends find out about your bisexual partner, they will surely ask a lot of questions. They are likely to bring up different misconceptions that they have, and try to convince you to find somebody else. They will ask for sordid details, and question you about your readiness to "compete" with both men and women. Take this as an opportunity to explain things and to make people understand how things really work. Maybe, just maybe, you will end up helping the fight against ignorance and discrimination in your own little way.


We all have our personal struggles, and the bisexual community has its own share of problems and concerns. Just like homosexuals, they need to be freed from stereotype and pre-conceived notions. A relationship between a gay guy and a bisexual guy will not be a walk in the park. However, as long as there is mutual love and respect it should be able to withstand the test of time.


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When Your Boyfriend Prefers to Stay Inside His Closet 

When Your Boyfriend Prefers to Stay Inside His Closet

by Discreet Serpent

Had an interesting discussion with a guy named RJ last Friday. Here's how it went:

image courtesy of goodreads.com

RJ: Here's a possible topic for you: Can a relationship last when both partners are in the closet? The answer is probably NO.

Me: That's an interesting question. May I ask why you think that being closeted affects it? (Sorry to hear about the breakup).

RJ: The closet isn't the best place to have a relationship. You're together but it's a secret. You hide it from family and friends. So you're together but you aren't together at the same time. You meet late night or at places where you won't be seen.

Me: Some people actually prefer the closet, where it's nice and comfy and private, and where there are no judgments.

RJ: Having others bear witness to your happiness I think is a whole other dimension to a relationship. I thought we were fine in the closet. Companionship was enough for me...

That conversation really hit close to home, as I have had similar struggles in the past. Which led me to ask these questions: "Do you think that a gay relationship can last long term or work out if one of the parties is 'in the closet?' Will this lifestyle difference have a negative impact on their relationship? Have you ever been in such a situation?" As always, my chat contacts were more than happy to oblige.

A good percentage of the respondents believe that a relationship can still work even if one person is in the closet. For them, the most important factors would be love and commitment. Both parties should love each other enough to accept what makes them different. They should both have a solid decision to stick to the relationship and keep it running no matter the odds. 

Just like me, there are some people who experienced (or are experiencing) being in a relationship with someone who doesn't share his privacy concerns. It is truly a challenge: there are too many things going on in a relationship and worrying about issues of privacy and secrecy just adds to the pile of issues and concerns. 

Some of the respondents had the tendency to just shy away from such complications. They have likely seen this issue escalate and ruin relationships around them. A lot of people take pride in the person they are dating, and having to keep that relationship a secret is tantamount to being ashamed of it.


Conclusion
At the end of the day, it boils to what both parties can handle in the relationship. Just like any other issue or concern, you and your boyfriend just need to find a common ground where you can both agree or compromise. You should have a serious discussion, and determine if staying in the closet (or sharing your love story to the world) is more important than keeping your relationship intact. You should respect each other's decision, and try to enjoy each other without complicating your relationship too much.

What's a Beard and Why Do Some Gay Guys Have Them?

by Discreet Serpent

You may have heard the term "beard" used in a gay context and wondered what the hell that meant. "Art and Therese went out on a date last night, but we all know she's just a beard." No, it doesn't pertain to facial hair this time, although the term can be interpreted as some sort of a disguise. Just like how beards are used as a way to change an actor's physical appearance in the movies.

image courtesy of ultimatehypnosisdownloads.com

The Urban Dictionary defines the word "beard" as follows"

- Any opposite sex escort taken to an event in an effort to give a homosexaul person the apperance of being out on a date with a person of the opposite sex.

- A man or woman used as a cover for a gay partner.

The negative connotation
Most of the time, the girl used as a beard does not know that she is a beard. As the term implies, the goal of using a beard is to deceive people; to make people think that you are not who you are. A gay guy usually wears a beard as an accessory when he needs to be seen in a public place. "Straight" guys, after all, need to be seen with a hot lady date when going out on dinner or going to the movies. It wouldn't be appropriate to be seen with another guy, right?

The accomplice beard
In some cases, the beard is a willing victim. She could be the girl best friend who wants to help out her desperate friend. She could be the desperate fag hag who would take every opportunity to "turn" her gay guy straight. Or she could be someone who also needs a beard of her own. In these cases, using a beard is not so bad. At least not for the parties directly involved.

Why do gay guys need beards?
A beard is usually required when a discreet gay guy wants to remain in the closet. At a certain point in time, being "single" raises a lot of questions especially from friends and family members. A guy who hasn't had a girlfriend and is not even seen dating a girl raises a lot of red flags. It can get uncomfortable when relatives start asking "so when are you getting married?" in a family gathering. It's just so much easier to prevent these questions from being asked and just give them a good show.

Family and religious situations can also force a gay guy to use a female friend as a shield of sorts. A lot of gay guys are scared that their traditional families are unable to accept them if they revealed their true sexual preference. This is particularly common in military families and influential families. They could stand to be disinherited if they don't adhere to certain "standards." Certain religious organizations, on the other hand, are openly discriminating against homosexuality. This forces their gay membership to go into hiding.

image courtesy of someecards.com

Do beards actually work?
A disguise only works if the person using it knows how to wear it. You can't pretend to be a skinny bikini clad girl if you are a 200 lb guy, for instance. Oftentimes, the (obviously) gay guy wearing a beard is made the subject of ridicule. People talk about him behind his back. Who, after all, is he fooling? The lady friend, on the other hand, becomes the receiving end of a pity party. The poor girl has no idea that her "boyfriend" is just using her.

Will this "fashion trend" end soon?
I think that this beard fad will continue for as long as there is a need for gay people to hide their true identities. If discrimination persists, people will be forced to go into hiding.


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My Girl Best Friend Thought I Loved Her (Romantically)

by Discreet Serpent

While a gay guy's natural tendencies should direct him towards the general direction of a hot hunk, it is but natural for us to spend a whole lot of time with our girl friends. Somehow we find their company entertaining, relaxing, and stress-free. It could be because we are not trying to flirt with them or seduce them every other second.

For discreet guys like me, having female friends could lead to complications if not clearly addressed at the onset. Certain expectations need to be set, and things have to be crystal clear to both parties. There is no room for error in judgment because this could lead to lost friendship and broken trust. I personally had disastrous experiences on the matter. They turned out okay in the end, but that was after the really awkward moments (mostly for the girls).

Story time

A few years ago, my friendship with Nica started. We were office mates and we were both supervisors. We spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, and even after work. I really thought nothing much about it, except that I was grateful to have a loving and caring friend. I depended on her for a lot of things. She was like my best friend then, really. One day, I decided to bring our friendship to the next level and decided to share my sexual orientation. I told her I wanted to have dinner with her after work, and that I had something very important to tell her. I was nervous and excited, and that really showed during that short conversation. In retrospect, that's probably how she got the wrong idea.


The best date ever

Nica, apparently, went straight to another close friend Chelle. She was so excited about the "dinner date" and was expecting a proposition of sorts. "This is it! I think he's finally gonna profess his love," she quipped.

Obviously, the "date" didn't go on as planned. I nervously told her about my "secret," and was a bit surprised about the weird reaction that I got. She was surprised, yes. She had questions, yes. But somehow, I couldn't shake the feeling that something else was wrong. I was hilariously clueless about what was really going on. The dinner date ended, and we were "normal" for the next couple of weeks.


The confrontation

After some time, our friend Chelle confronted me. She told me that the rest of the group had been teasing Nica because of what happened (at this point, the other members of the group already knew about me. But that's a story for another day). They called her a "fag hag" and teased her for her "poor judgment." Fortunately, Nica took it like a sport and just went with the flow. She was over the whole thing easy, and even started to tease me about what happened. It became a standing joke from then on (she now has a cute boyfriend who's not likely gay).


What's a Fag Hag?

Fag hag. What a term. It sounds discriminatory and derogatory, but apparently it is a widely used as a gay slang referring to a woman who either associates mostly or exclusively with gay and bisexual men, or has gay and bisexual men as close friends.


The Urban Dictionary states that you are a true fag hag if:

-You are a straight girl who has a best friend who is gay and you spend a lot of time together 
-You would rather go to a gay club than a straight club 
-Your fag gave you your own drag name 
-You know all the gay guys at the local gay bar 
-Your fag takes you shopping for mac makeup and then puts it on you 
-Your hair and makeup are always flawless 
-You dress up in his drag gear on saturday night or dress in drag together 
-You even dance with all the fags on stage when Britney Spears comes on 
-You learned to vouge from watching your fag 
-You fall in love with your fag (which is a bad thing) 
-You try to convert your fag (this will only ruin your relationship with him) 
And lastly... you find yourself not being able to live without him because you have so much fun with him.

Lessons learned

This brings me to the lessons that I learned after all these. First, it is a good feeling to have somebody admire you and love you. However, it is not a good feeling when you have to reject them or hurt them.

Second, discreet guys have a big responsibility with regard to our actions. Our lady friends probably don't know we are gay, so they could be led on easily by our good looks and charms. We need to set clear limitations, and we may have to come clean with them at some point just to avoid further complications. 

Lastly, some women (not my friend Nica, fortunately) would go to unreasonable lengths to try to convince you that you can be with them. Or they can spread rumors and half truths that would put your privacy in jeopardy. I guess you just have to prepare for this kinds of situations (again, a story for another day).

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Do Our Parents Need To Know About Our Sexuality?

by Discreet Serpent

It’s an age old question. How much should our parents know about our lives? Should they be privy on who we are dating and how we are spending our evenings? Do they have to know about our sexuality or is that something that’s better off left in oblivion? I personally have NOT told my parents about my sexual preference. Do they know about it? Probably. They would be insensitive and dense not to notice. Do we talk about it? Never. 

I have a lot of friends who have decided to keep their secret from their families. Each has a different reason. Some are not comfortable. Some are afraid of the repercussions. Some just don’t care. They either just live their lives pretending to be something they are not, or just enjoy what they have and leave other people wondering.

I also have friends who have told their families about their preference. Some of them surprised their parents when they came out. Some of them are obvious and didn’t need to say anything at all.

So I just had to ask around: Do your parents know you’re gay/bi? If NOT, do you have plans of telling them (and how)? If YES, how did they find out (and what was their reaction)?

image courtesy of liveleak.com

YES, they know about it

“Yes. Parental instinct…”

***@IRRELEVANTguy08***

“Yes. They found out through my relatives and the transformation I had. And now, I’m a legal bitzzz."

***@iloveDICKSxxx***

“Well in my case, even when I was young, they’ve been saying that I am gay. But when I grew up I became more masculine so they cannot determine my true sexual orientation. My mother and sisters know that I am bisexual. I tell them what I feel about myself and they are in full support of me. I can’t talk about it with my brother because I’m afraid about how he would feel if he found out that his only brother is gay.”

***Zack, 28***

“They know.”

***anonymous***

“My parents are well aware of it and it’s open in our family. Maybe because it runs in the blood. But we’re not out. The bisexual genes are from my mom’s American grandparents.”

***Beau, 29***

We NEVER DISCUSSED it

“I never had a girlfriend and probably they knew ever since I was young. Instinct? Well, they just shut up about it. My sisters are open to it but they never ask about it.”

***Verve, 30***

“ I guess they always knew. We never spoke about it, like had a sit-down of sort. I guess I’m blessed with loving parents.”

***TheJeffCifra***

“I consider my mom as my bestfriend. We haven’t really talked about my sexual preference but I think she knows. Mother’s instinct. Maybe she just loves me that much and does not want me to be embarrassed in any way. In case she asks me, I’d be willing to tell her. How? I’ll be extra sweet, sit beside and hug her, and share my story from the day I realized that I am me. Of course, minus the sexual stories.”

***olaf, 29***

 image courtesy of artfire.com

NO, and I would keep it that way

“I did not admit that I am gay when I was confronted by my parents. Maybe they sensed that I’m different because of my lifestyle and choices. I don’t plan on telling them any of this.”

***0917554xxx9, 24***

“No. No plans.”

***Dude4DateB,  28***

"No, because I'm afraid of the reaction not only of my family but even friends and other people."

***name***

“No. Maybe if they ask.”

***Swimmer, 26***

“No, they don’t. I don’t see the possibility of coming out to them; at least not in the near future.”

***anonymous***

“They don’t know. And I don’t have plans of telling them.”

***UsapTayo!, 25***

We handle things differently

Obviously, different people handle their personal issues differently. Some people feel obliged to tell their parents about their sexuality because not doing so would be a violation of trust. Other people feel that they are not under any obligation to explain themselves to anyone. Still others are feeling the weight of social pressure and are afraid of being discriminated against or rejection. It boils down to a personal decision: is coming out to your parents really that important to you?

A lot of discreet gay guys claim that should their parents or siblings confront them about their sexuality, they would be happy to discuss it. Ask and you shall find out. I have said this myself numerous times. But I wonder how the conversation would really go. First, I am curious as to what would make my parents ask in the first place. Second, I wonder what the scenario would be (over dinner? During a family vacation? A random question while we’re stuck in traffic?) And finally, would I be as calm and collected as I think I would be? Chances are, I would be caught off guard and mumble words before I could answer. Now I’m dreading that moment.

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Discreet Guys Who Don't Give Out Their Face Pics

by Discreet Serpent

I enjoy chatting with people, and this blog has given me the opportunity to converse with more people than I can handle. I don't use a half naked photo or a super cute smiling face as my profile pic, but somehow I sparked the interest and attention of these guys because of the things I have posted on this blog. Some find it refreshing to have decent conversations where they are used to finding sexual innuendos and propositions (not that these things are bad things). Others are curious about the face behind the blog.

image courtesy of coolvibe.com

About 50% of the time, I get asked for my face pic. This is despite the fact that my profile specifically states that I do NOT give out my photo in social media. I politely decline, nonetheless, and inform them (with a smile) that I do not share my pic. Some take the response graciously and continue the conversation. Others return the favor and politely end the chat session. A small percentage, however, become downright disrespectful. Like I owe them a favor or something.

One such chatter sent a barrage of messages calling me out for being a coward. As a blogger, I need to be courageous enough to show my face to the world, he said. He doesn't want to waste his time chatting with a "cartoon character" (I have Gambit as my profile pic) and would rather talk to a "real person," he explained. He called me unfair because I didn't share my photo while he had his clearly posted on his profile page.

My initial reaction was one of defense. I wanted to explain my side and to change his mind about what he thought about me. I wanted to point out that it was his decision to post his pic, and he had no right to demand the same thing from others. I wanted to send him my own series of messages because I was annoyed and taken aback. But instead, I listened to reason and just thanked him for his time.

Some of us show pride by shouting to the world that they are gay. The rest opt to keep our sexual preferences private for a variety of reasons. I personally am not ashamed of being gay. I do not, however, have this boiling desire inside of me to announce to everyone I meet that I like men. For me, this does not equate to pride. You don't have to put yourself on display to the whole world just to be able to say that you are proud of who you are. Just being yourself, in the privacy of your own circle, is enough.

After all, you don't see straight people marching on the streets with banners saying "we are straight." Why the hell should we? (Note that marching on the streets to advocate gay rights is a totally different thing. We are, after all, being discriminated still.)

I guess it all boils down to respect. We all have our own beliefs and personalities, and we deal with situations differently. There are so many facets to being gay, in the same manner that people come in different sizes, shapes and colors. We are free to choose who we want to deal with, but we should not ostracize people just because they are different from what we perceive as correct.

Misconceptions About The Discreet Gay Guy (aka Paminta)

by Discreet Serpent

I think it's about time somebody said something about the mystery that is the discreet gay guy. The "Paminta," as the "normal gay guy" would lovingly call, has been the subject of ridicule of straight and homosexuals alike. They have become the topics of gossip, and people somehow find pleasure in "outing" somebody who they "think" is gay. Classic examples would be celebrities whom everyone suspects are playing for the same team. Or the campus heartthrob who interestingly never had a girlfriend. In our society, it seems like the "loud" gay guy has become more acceptable than the gay guy who keeps his preference on the down low.

Here are some of the more common misconceptions about the discreet gay guy, and my thoughts about each and everyone of them:

The Pamintas are pretentious and hypocritical
Gay men who "pretend" to be straight are weird. They do not accept who they truly are, and try to act "normal" because they are ashamed of who they are.

While this may be true for some gay guys, I would dare say that a good percentage of us do not pretend to be straight. Just because we dress and act like "normal" men, and just because we engage in sports or gaming, doesn't make us pretenders. We like how we look, we like to hang out with our straight friends, and we are just as competitive as the next guy. We do not wish to conform to the socially acceptable norms of how gay people should act. We have our own personalities, and we are not ashamed of who we are.


Gay guys secretly want to become women
When nobody is looking, they wear their sister's clothes and shoes. They put on make up in the bathroom, and they secretly wish they were Angelina Jolie.

This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard in my life. I am very much happy with my penis, thank you very much. I could not imagine living my life without it. While I may enjoy the occasional beauty pageant, I do not wish to wear stressful high heels or makeup that could ruin my skin. While I think Angelina is hot, I would rather look like Brad Pitt or Chris Evans. I got really lucky, why on earth would I want to change my body?


Gay guys would fondle you in your sleep
Be careful! If you let your guard down and lock yourself in any confined space with a gay guy, he will touch you inappropriately and try to have sex with you.

Sure. Because all straight guys come with six packs and ridiculous good looks. If you have a dick, you must be really attractive.


Pamintas need to come out of their closets
The world will be a much better place if you just announce (in national tv) that you are gay or bisexual. It is a requirement for having a happy and peaceful life.

This will only make sense if you believe that everybody else needs to announce to the world that they are straight. Why we are "required" to come out defies reason. We shouldn't need to explain who we are to people. We are who we are, and we should be free to choose how we want to live our lives. I do agree that coming out to certain people would make a gay guy's life better: at least in the kind of society that we live in today. This need, however, comes from the fact that we have been brought up to believe that being gay is something deviant. I really liked this video where the host asked people "when did you choose to be straight?"

In summary, I do believe that we as a society have made leaps and bounds in terms of LGBT acceptance. We live in a much better world compared to 50 years ago. We do, however, have a long way to go still. The word "gay" is not all encompassing, and there are so many dimensions to being a homosexual or a bisexual. There is confusion even within the LBGT community itself (notice how the "loud and proud" gay guys seem to "dislike" the closeted ones, and vice versa). We should equip ourselves with information, and not limit ourselves to the dictates of our society.

Image courtesy of trollpasta.wikia.com. Video courtesy of youtube.

Does Bisexuality Exist?

by Discreet Serpent

There's a lot of confusion with the term "bisexuality" even in the LGBT community. What does it mean? Does it even exist? Is it just something that gay people use to justify their behavior? The dictionary defines the word BISEXUAL as "a person who is sexually attracted to both men and women." Pretty straightforward. But why the confusion?

"A bisexual person has an affair with a man and a woman at the same time..."
I actually have a friend who thought that being bisexual meant having a sexual affair with a man and a woman at the same time. Like having a wife and a guy lover on the side. She's a bit clueless about the world so I just laughed at her limited understanding (I did explain things to her afterwards, so imagine her embarrassment). Admittedly, she said that her knowledge of human sexuality is limited to what the bible says (notwithstanding the fact that she has me as a best friend). She was raised that way, and had limited exposure to the world.

"Bisexuality is a stepping stone to being gay..."
This is a common misconception in the gay world. I have a lot of friends who used to claim they were bisexual before "transitioning" to full gayhood. This usually happens at the awkward stage where they get a girlfriend to avoid ridicule from friends and family members. Others claim that they just pretended to be bi because it sounded way cooler than being gay, as if being gay is something that they should be ashamed of. Once they come out, they believe with absolute certainty (and even preach to the world) that those who claim to be bi now will end up being 100% gay in the near future.

"If you have sex with a guy, you must be gay..."
I've had this conversation with friends (mostly women) in the past. "OMG, I heard Marissa's dad had sex with the driver. Who knew he was gay?" "Mr. Santos got drunk and slept with the gay slut Brent. He's gay!!" "If you even entertain the thought of having a guy touch you inappropriately, then you must be gay..." Honestly, I got tired of explaining things at some point. So yeah, my brother held hands with another guy at church, he must be gay!

"I like being friends with men and women, too. I'm bisexual."
There was this young girl talking to a guy. Guy comes out and tells her he's bisexual. What's that, she asked. A bisexual person likes being with boys and girls, he explains. "Ohhh... I like hanging out with both guys and girls. I'm bisexual. What's the big deal?" This, on national freakin television. What an adorable conversation.

"I look like a guy, act like a guy, talk like a guy, but like men. I'm bisexual."
We have all heard this before, haven't we?

I'm no expert, but here's what I think. First, I do believe that love knows no gender. Most people like one type of person (guys or girls). But there are also people who like to go both ways. I myself used to be bisexual. At this point in time, I only say I'm gay because I haven't been with a woman for a long, long time. Do I get attracted to them? Sure, but my standards for women are waaaay higher than my standards for men. You need to look like a supermodel before I would even consider going to bed with you. For men? Not so much. In a perfect world (where discrimination does not exist), a person (man or woman) gets to choose someone to love because of who they are and not what they are.

I also believe that our understanding of the term "bisexual" may be limited by our personal experiences. This is where the confusion arises. Most people understand the word based on how it was explained to them, how they experienced it, or how they were taught as kids. I don't think this will be cleared up by a simple blog or even by media in the next couple of years. Hopefully, we will get there sooner rather than later.

Image courtesy of www.thebacklot.com

The Coming Out Party

by Discreet Serpent

My social media timeline has been flooded with the "coming out party" of Fifth (from Big Brother) the past couple of days. Interestingly enough, the reactions vary from tremendous support to unexplainable disgust. Local superstars such as Vice Ganda have openly shown support online, beaming at the courage it took to come out in the open on national tv. Other (less supporting) netizens felt that the "confession" was forced, and was used by the show to improve their ratings. The banters have gone back and forth, each bystander choosing sides and sticking to their guns.

Somewhere between the commotion is a young kid whose world is about to change. Waiting to come out of the rubble is a someone who is yet to face the consequences of his actions and decisions.

I was about the same age when I first came out. It was with one of my closest girl friends. I asked her to have dinner with me with the full intention of letting her in on my big secret. We dined for the first 30 minutes, and talked about different things in the hours that ensued. The whole time, I was having an internal discourse trying to figure out the perfect way to say what I wanted to say. It was awkward, and it was ridiculous. She probably thought that I was going to propose to her, the way I was acting.

Coming out was not as easy as I thought it would be. I was scared of rejection. I was worried about my best friend's reaction. I was hesitant to let anyone in. I think I was even a little ashamed of who I was.

After two or three hours I was finally able to say it: "I like men." I expected drama. I expected a barrage of questions. I expected ridicule. I expected the worst.

What I got, instead, was unconditional love and acceptance. She had her doubts, she said. She always wondered if I went the other way even with a string of girlfriends to show for. She was a bit surprised but not totally blindsided. She had questions but they were all made with excitement. It was like meeting her for the first time. It was exhilarating and exciting. We could not stop talking.

Over the years I started to come out to select close friends. It was addicting and it was fun. I loved watching my friends' reactions, and I loved how they made me feel with their acceptance. Even my "homophobic" friends turned out to be okay with how I was. I even found the guts to come out to a big group of friends during a party (it felt like the right time). I was happy for having the good sense to choose friends who are open-minded and accepting.

In retrospect, I totally get the fuss over Fifth's coming out party. Some people felt irritated about how he couldn't stop talking after publicly telling the world he is bisexual. Some people think that he is an attention whore who want to keep the spotlight to himself. Some people look at him as weak for creating all the drama just to say something that was "obvious" from the onset. Some people think that his fears are ridiculous and unfouned. They do not understand.

Here's an exercise for you: think about your deepest, darkest secret. That thing that has haunted your dreams or tainted your past. Something that you are deeply ashamed of. Something that your gut tells you to keep buried or stuck inside your closet. Now imagine how it would feel to share this secret to a group of people. Would it feel awkward? Would it be scary? Would it make you want to go in your room and hide under your bed?

Struggling about coming out is usually based on fear and shame. We are afraid about the changes that will happen once other people find out the real score. We are ashamed because homosexuals and bisexuals are still considered as "deviants" even by some of the more "accepting" members of the society. But most of the time, these fears become things of the past once you find the courage to speak up and show your true colors. The world is more accepting than you think.

Coming out is not easy for everybody. It sure wasn't easy for me. Come to think of it, I'm still partially in the closet because not a lot of people know about me (still). It's a decision that will remain my own, and that other people will have to respect.

Image courtesy of: https://ph.celebrity.yahoo.com/