When Your Boyfriend Prefers to Stay Inside His Closet

by Discreet Serpent

Had an interesting discussion with a guy named RJ last Friday. Here's how it went:

image courtesy of goodreads.com

RJ: Here's a possible topic for you: Can a relationship last when both partners are in the closet? The answer is probably NO.

Me: That's an interesting question. May I ask why you think that being closeted affects it? (Sorry to hear about the breakup).

RJ: The closet isn't the best place to have a relationship. You're together but it's a secret. You hide it from family and friends. So you're together but you aren't together at the same time. You meet late night or at places where you won't be seen.

Me: Some people actually prefer the closet, where it's nice and comfy and private, and where there are no judgments.

RJ: Having others bear witness to your happiness I think is a whole other dimension to a relationship. I thought we were fine in the closet. Companionship was enough for me...

That conversation really hit close to home, as I have had similar struggles in the past. Which led me to ask these questions: "Do you think that a gay relationship can last long term or work out if one of the parties is 'in the closet?' Will this lifestyle difference have a negative impact on their relationship? Have you ever been in such a situation?" As always, my chat contacts were more than happy to oblige.

A good percentage of the respondents believe that a relationship can still work even if one person is in the closet. For them, the most important factors would be love and commitment. Both parties should love each other enough to accept what makes them different. They should both have a solid decision to stick to the relationship and keep it running no matter the odds. 

Just like me, there are some people who experienced (or are experiencing) being in a relationship with someone who doesn't share his privacy concerns. It is truly a challenge: there are too many things going on in a relationship and worrying about issues of privacy and secrecy just adds to the pile of issues and concerns. 

Some of the respondents had the tendency to just shy away from such complications. They have likely seen this issue escalate and ruin relationships around them. A lot of people take pride in the person they are dating, and having to keep that relationship a secret is tantamount to being ashamed of it.


Conclusion
At the end of the day, it boils to what both parties can handle in the relationship. Just like any other issue or concern, you and your boyfriend just need to find a common ground where you can both agree or compromise. You should have a serious discussion, and determine if staying in the closet (or sharing your love story to the world) is more important than keeping your relationship intact. You should respect each other's decision, and try to enjoy each other without complicating your relationship too much.